Still no net

technically my dorm had internet installed yesterday but guess who has the one pc that will not access it. i dont know why because kim can get to my internet in my room and in hers but i cant get to it in either. i think maybe the plug jack or something in my pc got damaged but its hard to really convince myself of that because i used ethernet in the last dorm too and it worked just fine.

in this dorm however, it wont work at all.

so yeah, wait a little longer while i try to figure out this problem. who knows it could be fixed without me doing anything and before i even get home and then i`ll be great. but at the moment, i am not sure so i wanted to let you all know that it might be a while. might. might not.

and i`m finally healing up from my long bout with some kind of japanese flu. so i may try to write something more tomorrow.

So this is the update

i failed one test, passed the other of the two we`ve had so far. I managed to convince my teachers that i am studious and have even managed to convince myself that i really can be that way. i really try to study as often as possible and since i have no internet, i usually only have that to do. but recently i have been sick so my grades slipped a litte and hence the failed test but i am going to study really hard for the make up exam. this weekend i will try to. because as i was writing the above sentence i just remembered that i have a kanji test tomorrow too. and a intonation quiz.

i got the package mom and thanks for everything, sara the movie is awesome i know you knew before you sent it but just in case you didnt i totally love it.

i have not weighed myself or measured in about a month but my classmate told me that i look thinner in the recent week, i blame it on not being able to eat anything. but i dont know.

i think i have this mental block or something. i know i am a lot thinner than i was and i can see it in reflections and stuff but when i move or dress or what have you i do it as a fat person. i take paths through wider spaces and i dont try to squeeze around people even if now i could. its odd, and though i want to get even thinner, i think it`ll just get more odd.

anyways, that`s what i`ve been thinking. i gotta go. love you all.
me

Hey again

okay i will weekly check my emails and such but it is getting so hasslesome to check it more often than that that i just cant do it. sorry. and i should get my own internet in early february.

i hope. then i will zehi fill you all in asap. but i am sick and its just stopped raining so i`m kaeru-ing before it starts again. oh, uh, going home i mean. bye!

love you,
me

So short update

well, it sucks not having internet but partially i am glad that its so hasslesome to have internet cause i am studying harder. but not being in contact with people does kinda make me nuts. oh well, i will get internet eventually.

i have so much that i want to say but i cant think of where to begin. i guess from the head down, maybe?

so lately i`ve been ratting up my hair because thats what jo-san does and she made it look really pretty on me. and i like the compliments so i just keep doing it.

i`m running out of contacts and if you have the heart/money to send me some more mommy i would greatly appreciate it. thyroid Rx is low too.

i have apparently gotten so fluent at speaking (not fluent fluent-passable) at japanese that i now speak it first instead of english and remember how to write my letters is taking a backseat to remembering which kanji means what. i have a strong fear that when i return i wont be able to stop speaking japanese. it`s just something i know will continue. like my now hitorigoto thing i`ve got going where when i talk to myself i talk in japanese and when i curse or have a suprised moment i also break into japanese. and regularly use japanes nouns in english sentences.

but actually i gotta go, i just remembered that lena is waiting for me on the ikkai. jah, matta nah.

i will try to write again soon.

My new year

i don`t have much time to write and these japanese keyboards making typing in english difficult. i forgot to write something on my pc last night so i really have nothing to upload but i wanted to let you in on a few small details.

the important stuff:

i got into level three, it costs me 4dollars to wash clothes, i have internat only at school, no movies or tv, i cook my own food, and i absolutely 100% love my life exactly as it is.

and lately i`ve been thinking that maybe i dont want to leave. i mean i know with perfect clarity that i dont want to leave but i know i have to. i just havent figured out how to stay. but i know there is no way and i have to leave but despite all that has happened that was bad and because of all that has happened that was good i really just want to stay here forever. i always heard from random people that they could and did live in a place their whole lives and i always wondered how that was possible but i can see now that it really depends on the place. if i had to be confined to one place for the rest of my life i would want it to be tokyo. there is nothing about toyko that i dont like and i learn japanese really fast and its beautiful and nothing ever close either. and i`m not tired of it. and the people that have been in the same place with me for very long know the itch on the bottom of my soul that prompts me to move often. but i dont feel that here. i just feel at home. like this is exactly where i am meant to be, maybe forever.

i know that that is not what i said before i came and it is not what i promised to everyone. but its not like i want to miss the cutest most cuddly years of the babies lives or be away from my family for the rest of our lives and never meet again. its not about any of that. it just feels right here. leaving will be one of the hardest things i have ever done.

ok, that was a lot and i`m almost out of time. well, anyways, that`s what i`ve been thinking lately. but i love you all, i miss you. i`m having a great time.
me

I am SO Sorry!

Mom, you dont need to read this because i pretty much cut and pasted the things i emailed to you, but i wanted to put them here cause i felt bad if joanie or Elizabeth was worried.

hi everyone, i`m really sorry if i worried you. i really didnt mean to. but my new dorm has no internet and wont for a long time and this is the first day that the school pc lab is open and i wasnt able to find an internet cafe before now. i am so sorry.

i am so sorry that you were worried and i know that is scary enough for you to have me be in a foreign country, not to mention just dropping off in communication. but i was given no forewarning that id have no internet and when i did know it was too late. anyhow, there is a time limit for how much i can use the pc at a time. but i can write tomorrow too, after class.

i think i`ll just write something at home and put it on my usb and then it wont take me too long to write posts on here. but anyhow, i will fill you in on my life soon. i love you guys!!!!!!!

i love you. i`m fine, i bought a new phone with the same number and so if you ever get worried you can call me. anytime. i love you forever and beyond that.

me

New address

my NEW address


4-19-2 Nishi-Ikebukuro, Toshima-ku, Tokyo 171-0021

Blast from the Past

you ever think about those people that you knew in high school and middle school? those people that for no real reason you loved. you wanted to be around them forever? i was thinking about one of those people today and it occured to me to try and find him. i mean we have the all powerful internet here so why not?

and i thought it would make me sad to see what he's grown up into and that i'd miss him all the more. but i did find him. and he's still that person i knew, all those years ago. he hasn't grown up. he's still angry, confused, obscene, and a kid.

and then i thought about what it would be like for him, if he thought about finding me. i'm not the same person. i'm 22, living in tokyo with friends that speak all sorts of languages, about to graduate college, prettier than i was then and more of an adult. would he even recognize me?

would he look at my profile and realiize that my life continued after him, in a way that his didn't. he hasn't gone anywhere. but i have. look at how far i've come! the things i did then that were so stupid and selfish and i had a angry side myself. now i don't.

i am not the little child that clug to my mother's pant leg and bullied others when my heart hurt. i am not the young girl that cried out of lonliness but never tried to make friends. not that person that locked herself up in her room and hated others for not doing the same.

i'm a young woman that believes in putting others first, trying when it hurts, loving when it seems futile, hoping when others doubt, and doing my best not to lose courage in chasing my dreams. someone that sees beauty in the small things in life, even in myself and even when it's hard. someone that wants to be a good person. someone that wants to truly understand and ease the pain of those around her.

i guess i'm not a kid anymore. i don't quite know when or how it happened but i know that i wouldn't be this person if it wasn't for my wonderful family and friends that supported me and helped me at every turn. i love you. thanks for this.

me

Thanks Mom

Thanks mom, those dream interpretations were suprisingly insightful and accurate. and to say take care of yourself is something more along the lines of, ah-nah-tah no men-doh oh me-teh, or in japanese あなたの面倒を見て．anyhow, it's not really important. i love you, thanks.

so yesterday, since it was still a holiday, i decided to go out for dinner to this bento place nearby. because the dorm has no meals on holidays and i ran out of curry. not the point.

but when i got to the bento place it was closed and so i decided to just walk around for a bit because i still felt kinda wierd. then i decided to go to shibuya because i just couldn't bear going home to be alone again. instead, i wanted to be around people. so i went to shibuya and realized that i left my phone at home, so even if i wanted to i couldn't invite anyone out for dinner. and that i would inevitably be eating alone.

but as i was walking around i saw these two homeless men sleeping on a side street. and it wass cold and one of the men looked up at me and i felt bad. what right did i have to worry about petty things? so i asked him if he was hungry and then i bought them both some food. nothing much, but i know that at leasst someone helped them tonight. and i felt good after that. i felt really good, like for once i was the nice person that i try to make people believe i am.

and anyhow, when i did eventually go home i did study. for about the first time i can remember, i really put my best into studying. i'm not that good at it but i was surprised how much just trying made me feel better. like maybe i'm not a hopeless idiot afterall. and i think, if i really tried this next term, and studied everyday like we're supposed to. i think i could pass every exam. i know i can. i just have to keep trying.

but anyhow, i just wanted to let you know, since my last post was kinda mope-ish that i do feel better. and i think i'm gonna continue to feel better. but it's 6am, one hour until breakfast starts and it's been days since i ate breakfast. so i don't know if i want to sleep or stay awake a little longer.

and something else occured to me too. right now, i might be a little wierd and missing who i was and not sure of what i'm doing but soon just think of how amazing i'll be! a smaller, smarter, confident person with a job and wonderful japanese skills! i can't wait.

i love you, you know i do. Oyasuminasai! Goodnight!
me

Okay

Thanks for the comment in japanese mom. it was pretty accurately said, but don't worry. i always love myself and i hope you also have a happy new year mommy.

okay, so that being said, today i woke up from a nightmare with blood all over my lips and a gash in my arm. i think maybe i should start taking sleeping pills or something so i don't dream anymore. because to be honest, i'm getting creeped out by them. and what i said last time about the great dreams, i guess it works either way really great-really bad.

anyone who wants to try dream intepretation try out this one.
i was in a church on a sunday and everyone was talking and i was playing with children and one kid was talking to someone that i thought was their dad on the phone and playing a game like hangman. only when he left to do something, i took the phone and it was a killer. he said that the kid lost the game and then the chruch blew up. but not like movie blew up, not quickly and not from a distance being able to see smoke columns but like everything in the church exploded piece by piece in order, like a line of charges had been set instead of one massive one. so everyone in the church saw their fate coming but couldn't run.
that's when i woke up.
kinda freaky right? watching yourself explode isn't not recomended.

oh well, i'll clean my room and do some homework then maybe i'll watch fun with dick an jane or some other random comedy before bed.

LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!
me