My ramblings

Ok so soon i'm leaving to spend new years with my american friends. but i was just thinking about soemthing and i didn't really want to share it but i feel like maybe i'll feel better if i get some feedback on it.

so here goes.

lately i've been watching every Japanese TV show and movie i could get my hands on. staying up seriously late everyday and then sleeping for like 12 hours. just to wake up and do it again.
Now that's not actually terrible terrible because when i do eventually wake up, i 80% of the time have somewhere to go and be around people, or in the city and not holed up like a hermit.

it's just that, well, lately my dreams seem to be taking over. it's like i'll wake up and it will be less real than my dreams. or that i'll go out into the city and be around all of these japanese people and feel isolated and like i'm dreaming at those times too. but i'm not. and when i'm asleep it's so much better than reality.

i've been trying to control myself but it feels like all i want to do is dream, not sleep just dream, all the time. i keep losing focus during normal activities too and wishing i was home, in my dreams. but i don't understand why i feel like this. i'm in japan, what could be better than being in japan? and i love it here! but part of me just wants to lock the door, turn off the lights, and dream one more time. if only for a few more minutes.

i feel a little lost right now. i just like who i am in my dreams so much more than who i am in real life. and i'm not like vastly different either. it's just, nevermind. i don't know what i'm saying.

maybe it's lonliness. maybe it's the Japanese Dramas. Maybe it's japanese food, or the holidays, or having no money, and being rejected, or maybe it's just new years and i don't have my family.

i haven't written anything in a while. i don't know if i even want to be an author still. i don't know what i want to do with the rest of my life, where i want to be, what kind of job i'd like, or even what i want to learn.

because it's wierd to be so far from home. i feel like i've changed so much since coming here and i kinda miss who i was. i like who i am but part of me still wants to go back and start this japan thing over again, like maybe i could do it better. or soemthing. there's things i've done here that i'm not proud of and other things that if i never did them, i don't think i'd ever be complete as a person.

maybe none of this will make sense to you. Maybe it will, whatever. i just woke up today and missed you more, missed home, and realized that i'm really really far away.

i love you, happy new years.
me

I think it's good....?

So i don't know how accurate the scale is in the bathroom but it's been about a week since i weighed myself. according to the scale i used, i'm 86KG that means 189.6 lbs about.

i'm not sure how to feel because it beens so long since i was under 200. but it's good, i think. i mean it is. it's just, i really am not sure if i can believe that scale. and so until i'm proven wrong, i choose to believe it's right. but still somehow i know that this is only a little step. i really shouldn't celebrate or anything. it's just...

well i guess it's just an update. anyhow, i've been doing nothing all day but watching Hana Yori Dango, the best tv show ever. and i've come to the conclusion that too much tv can make you sick. so i'm gonna get dressed and walk around Higashi Fuchu for a while. at least i know walking is free.

anyhow, love you. take care. my english is getting really bad. takusan typo dayo.
me

I tried to get a video

So i've pretty much figured out that the videos i posted the other time were a fluke and this site just doesn't want my beauty to be seen via video. please know that i tried and in the video, i cried. it wasn't much really, it was just me saying, Thank you.

Thank you, Mom, Joanie, Heather, Brian, Chad, and babies. Because for me to come home, alone. and eat my curry dinner, alone. and then to walk into my room and find that video of the babies and my family wishing me a merry christmas was all i could have asked for if i knew to ask for it. It was beautiful and perfect and the babies are so big! They're like little adults now and they talk! I mean i knew they talked, i knew caleb talked but he talked to me!

and mom, you're so beautiful! Joanie, heather, you're so beautiful. and Brian and Chad! i haven't seen you guys in forever and i miss your faces so much! I miss seeing you guys and being around for warm heather hugs and soft mommy cheek kisses and talking with joanie and hugging my big brother that i never get to see. and BABIES!

I love you babies! i just want to pick you up and never put you down, ever. and i want you to know that the next time i see you i promise to spoil you rotten. And i'm sorry i went so far away and that i'm not around to hug you and love you every moment, even when you do bad things. But i didn't forget about you, i could never forget about you. I am just very far away and i think about you all the time.

Christmas in Japan

What i did for christmas:

I woke up at about 8:30, showered, got ready, and went to meet lena by school. We went in together to have "confrences" with our teachers who told us both that we passed but barely. and if we feel strongly about going to level 3 we can but it might be in our best interests to take level 2 again. But screw it, i'm going to level 3. Lena's repeating Level 2.

Then at about 2pm, we went to KFC, really wasn't that great. the food was so-so but the company was great. Then we walked aimlessly around shibuya for a few hours and bought crepes and ice cream. then we walked around some more. at 6pm we did karaoke for an hour then everyone split up to go home.

But me and kim didn't want to go home to empty rooms so we went and i watched her lose a bunch of money at pachinko which neither of us understood. and then she won me a hamtaro pillow out of a claw machine. i was so happy. and then we wandered and looked at musical tickets (rediculously expensive) and then we both went home.

and then i ate curry at my dorm for dinner. yummy. And watched the video that literally made me cry. and then i tried to upload a video of me saying merry christmas but this stupid site is taking forever and i'm exhausted so tomorrow i'll wait and make sure it goes up but for now that's it. i love you. sweet dreams. Say hi to santa for me.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!

Nothing

i have no money and no phone so i am doing nothing. i am cleaning my room and doing nothing. this is my update. i am safe and healthy i just have no fun now. blah. i might as well study.

I am so mad

My phone, my zune (ipod thing), my Alien id card, my train pass, and 180 dollars got stolen. I have two bucks in my pocket and that's the only thing they didn't take. okay, that and thank god i didn't have my credit card or i'd be worse off.

i'm going to an atm tomorrow and get more cash, again. and then i'm going to buy a new train pass, go to shibuya and fill out all the proper forms. if my phone gets shut off, and when my zune's battery dies i'm hoping that no one will see the point in keeping them. because it can be done but changing a phone's user is so hard to do illegally. it's almost impossible. and no one has zune's over here so what would be the point in keeping that.

i've accepted the fact that the cash is gone. i've accepted the fact that my train pass is gone. I will not accept the fact that the day after school is over, when i have just put all of my friends phone numbers into my phone, phone is gone for good. that i won't accept.

and the thing is, i want to be sad about it or something but all i reallly feel is tired and stupid. i feel so stupid. why didn't i put that money into the locker with my purse? why didn't i notice when my zune magically disappeared as i was searching for my phone? why didn't i notice my pasmo being gone before i got to the station?

i just feel so so so so stupid. and mom, now i am desperate for money. it's no longer i would like dad's 2500. i need that money. i might have a little wiggle room for the next week or two because i can take out more on my credit card. but man. i am beyond beyond beyond mad at myself for being such an idiot!

i just wish that i could go back to that moment before lena called asking me to come for Sarah's last night in tokyo and turn off my phone. then at least i'd still have my phone and all my stuff. including my dignity. I really really want my dignity back.

Hi!

Okay so this is what i've been thinking, prepare yourselves for a long one.

i decided that since the babies are not reading this i'm going to tell the mommies (and hopefully someone will mention this to brian) what i got and they can pick what they want their babies to have, or who would like what most. and unfortuneately heather gets no choice and neither does caleb because they are baby babies. but for Anna, Eric, Becca, and Jack this is the list of what i was thinking about sending.

Zen- Toy Sushi kit and japanese candies
Caleb- a japanese pop gun, handful of random small toys and candy
Anna- Japanese dolls and a japanese wooden comb and play-Japanese money
Eric - Origami sets and a japanese drum
Jack- A japanese game that i can't pronounce and a handful of smaller toys
Becca- Japanese bracelets and hiragana and katakana workbooks, and The English Point and Speak guide to Japan.

and that is actually part in parcel with why i wanted to ask everyone about what to get/rearrange for their kids because for Eric, Jack, and Becca if they are ready or would like to learn, then i want to send them books to get them started on japanese. It's really beneficial for kids to learn a second language when they're young and i'm gonna be in japan for a really long time while they're still growing so i'd want them to visit me. and if they learn japanese and then come to japan, imagine how much ahead of everyone else they'd be! think of how awesome that'd be!

okay that's what i was thinking. let me know.

anyhow so i had my finals yesterday, and for the third time in my entire life a guy asked me out. not that i've only been on three dates but it was the third time i didn't ask. i'm starting to notice just how forward a person i am. oh well, i haven't been shy in a long time i guess. Oh and the guy? He's a Navy Seal. He's taller than brian and he kinda looks like The Rock, not to mention he's samoan like the Rock. so i'm not sure why he asked me out but it was so cute. he blushed and ducked his head and said, "電話番号教えて(can i have your phone number)...I want to ask you for a date."

The only problem is i'm not sure if he really speaks english, not to mention that everytime he times me his name it sounds like nonsense and i may have sort of kissed his friend Sergio right before i met him. But Sergio is cool, i think he's from colorado and we talked for a really long time. He got shot in the knee! Ah, the scar is so weird looking. but he explained that because of the type of bullet it didn't shatter the knee cap so after a few surgeries he's okay i guess. but yeah, so i'm really glad i met them because now maybe i can get some taco bell.

Little Note: the only taco bells in all of japan are located in military bases. too bad.

but anyways, i guess i've been feeling really pretty lately or something because everyone just keeps telling me how cute i am and i, me, gets checked out on the train and asked out twice by two different people in the same week. but it's not like i've dropped down to a size 10-12 or anything, i'm still big. i just don't know if it was the mental epiphany i had the other day where i told myself "i am damn beautiful and if other people can't see that, then it's not my fault that they're blind."

because last week i let myself get down because the whole japanese size -4 really hit me and this week it just occured to me that there is nothing i can do right now that will make me that size in the next few minutes so there is no point worrying about what i have or haven't got, i want to just appreciate what i am and then maybe god will see it and help me out a little.

but anyhow i think i passed my finals i'm really proud of myself. but wouldn't you know it? the last day of class, i got another cold. so i'm just chilling around the house today and i've got no plans to do anything. I'm not gonna do any studying and this time i won't feel bad about being a bum. i can literally sleep as much as i want from this point forward and it will only matter to me!

i'll find out on christmas eve, if i remember to call them, how i did on my final and whether or not i'm going to level 3. if i am, i have to study hard so that i don't become a moichido student again. Oh, moichido student is someone who always fails every test and has to take a moichido(repeat exam). and maybe i'll finally get ahead in my kanji.

on the money front, mom, please ask dad for the 2500. not that i'm desperate but i'm getting pretty deep in credit card debt. and this time, can you send him a new message and not forward all of our olds ones, there's times i'd prefer he not read what i write to you.

well, today i am applying for this teaching website and hopeful someone will want me to teach them english at 25 an hour. (that's the rate, but it really not that much since it's always like 1 hour only sessions) or call lena about that daycare job. but she might not tell me about it cause she's trying to snag it but man am i jealous. i love kids, i'm good with kids, and the only requirement is to go and speak only english with them. how easy. not to mention it's like roughly like 11-13 bucks an hour. i just don't know how she finds all these places when the only things i find are dry cleaners and restaurants that only want fluent japanese speakers.

anyways, suzanne, my favorite person over here will be going back to america tomorrow but i won't see her before then so when i said goodbye at her closing ceremony i started bawling. all the people that i spent the most time with are going home. i mena i'm glad lena, jo, anthony, aj, kim, and mike are staying but i'll really miss Elena, Suzanne, and Sumiko. And Lester! He's so nice and handsome and he always makes people feel good about themselves. Not to mention i sort of went out with him once. but only once, tuesday of this last week. I'll really miss him.

yeah, i guess there's a lot of catching up i have to do. I mean, i know i can't possibly fill you in a every little thing, and i can't call up mommy 15 times a day and tell her every interesting thought i have, or gossip with elizabeth over chopstick nachos. but it's not like i wouldn't if i could.

so here's a list of some things you might not know (not a complete list)

i tried to dye my hair blonde and so it's funky now
my school rearranged things so i'm staying in this dorm until 1/7
i missed out on seeing wicked in tokyo cause i procrastinated and then ran out of money
i am planning to go to disney land next year before school
i now weigh about 203-5, not so good at kilograms yet, so that's like 15 pounds off of when i came. still enormous
i am running out of durable shoes
i'm running out of shampoo, conditioner, body wash, face wask, american toothpaste, and fabric softener.
i have figured out how to have a really good lunch for only 188yen. buy the 88yen curry at 711, and walk four blocks to the corner market and pick up a 100yen block of precooked rice. yummy.
japanese people seem to both hate and love foreigners. they mimick american culture so hard that it comes out really funny. and at the same time, they get mad because that is "their culture" not ours. they changed it apparently.
i was warned that when i go home, EVERYONE will look ridiculously ugly. in comparison with the japanese people. because american boys don't try like the japanese boys do and the average size will not be -4. i'm gonna miss boy candy. but i still have time.
i came to the conclusion, i am who i am. not appearances but inside. so if i genuinely think something i should not pretend i don't or say otherwise
i like swings but japanese swings suck.
japanese merry-go-rounds are the most awesome invention ever
i'm not a good photographer
i like fanta, i wanna wanna fanta.
and Calpsis Cola is better than any drink in the world. if you took crack or meth or something really addictive and mixed it with like the yummiest flavor in the world, it would still not be ask good as this drink. and it's also like one of the cheapest drinks in japan. less than coke.
japanese people have improved the marshmellow. exponentially.
japanese people make their slang to shorten their talk time so as not to dominiate the conversation but in america the point is to dominate the conversation. weird, huh?
i can fool a good deal of japanese people into thinking i speak practically fluent japanese because i have a knack for correct facial expressions at appropriate times.
being sick sucks, even if you have no where you have to go
japanese thermometers are the bomb
i have run out of excedrin migraine medicine


ok that's all i got for now. hope you liked it. Love you, bye!

Soon Jahnai, ne?

okay so i didn't post soon like i said i would but it is finals week and so tomorrow is the culmination of all my hard work, as it will be the sole deciding factor of whether i get into level 3, and i literally have had no time.

i want to tell you guys so many things becaus i know if i don't then i'll forget to say them but i just don't have the energy, i just got home it's 11:30pm and i need to be up at 630am to get to school for more studying.

so this is to remind me of what i wanted to say.

1. the more japanese you speak the less you can speak english and the more japanese nouns you use in daily conversation.
2. nah, i'm tired and i can't think. don't worry this sunday everyone but me is going back to america so i'll have loads and loads of time. and it will be interesting, i always have something interesting to say.
3. oh yeah, in tokyo you need to reserve your KFC chicken ahead of time for christmas. I reserved chicken.

that's it for now.

soon

i can't write right now, and i really should be going. but this is to say that i love you all, i'm fine. and i'll write soon. i promise.

i love you.
me

Birthday countdown, Part 2

so that's it. Watch it, enjoy it. I'm gonna take my Zune now and go dance up on the rooftop where i hope no one will be able to see me. who knows. maybe at most i'll only like like the dork i am to about 100 random japanese people, instead of my average of all japanese people.

Countdown to my birthday, part 1

i had to put it in two parts cause this website is dumb. so above is part 1 and the next blog has part 2.

And can someone let me know if sara is still alive? cause i've written to her a couple times but i haven't heard from her or heard anything about her and so i just want to check.

Sara, if you read this, respond to my emails already.

and mom thanks for the lucky charms!

love you, me

Christmas

I was thinking about christmas and realizing that i should really only ask for cash, for those who can spare it, but then it occured to me that the best time for me to work is this holiday season because i won't have much else to do, since everyone i know is going back to america and korea. well, my students will still be here but i imagine it'll still get pretty boring around here.

and so.....anyhow.....if anyone is feeling particularly generous, because no one has to, but if they were, they might want to all pitch in a little and get me an xbox360 and Fable 2 the game.

I really really really want it. and feel free to say no because this whole japan thing is expensive enough, but if someone were to feel particularly generous, that is what i would want.

and i should remind everyone that my address will change soon because at the end of this semester, 4 short weeks from now, i will have to change dorms. so sending me anything to arrive on christmas is kinda a bad idea. but from the 20th on should be okay. because i'll have moved to my new place by then i think.

anyhow, i'll post the new address when i know it. but tonight i gotta pack.

we have our overnight trip tomorrow and i've been kinda sickly so i need my rest if i'm gonna get up at 5am. LOVE YOU!!!!
me

Update

So i've sort of figured out this whole pounds to kilos thing and i wanted to let everyone know that they were both right and wrong. Everyone said i was gonna lose a ton of wieght when i got to japan. not so.

i have lost only 5 pounds in a month but dropped 2 inches from almost everywhere, except my calves, man i look like a biker or a tri-athelete or just someone with massive calves. well, maybe they were always big but now it's really noticeble since my thighs are smaller. oh well. it's a start i guess.

and i went to harajuku last night, hoping to find any type of pants close to my new size, Thank god we bought belts mom, and nothing. it was a pointless nay, dis-appointing search and the best part of it was coming home.

and i finally have my new train pass so i am no longer throwing money out the window to go back and forth for school. so yay on that front. and i am cleaning my room and maybe re-arranging it so that i can find a balance betweeen keeping it clean and livable, and making it less distracting to study in.

the reason? i failed my midterms. i'm probably going to have to do level 2 over again. and it's not because i don't get it. it's because i'm the kind moron that didn't flip the test over and look to see if there was a back side! yeah, so even if it was perfect, i still failed. i was so heartbroken over that that i almost cried right there in class.

i mean, i convinced myself that all my studying would pay off and that i would be able to do this test perfectly. and i really thought i was until they collected it and i saw the back page. i just got so mad at myself, for sitting there thinking "well that was easy." it's just, all the studying in the world can't make me less of an idiot and i'm tired of continuously failing tests for stupid mistakes that have nothing to do with the grammer i know by heart!

so, if i don't pull together and amaze everyone with the next few tests, i know for a fact i'll be kept back. and then i won't get to forth year and i won't get credit for any of this. but i have a plan, for if i get kept back. i'm going to study super hard over break and force them to bump me up. even my teachers know that i'm not failing because i don't get it, i'm one of the best students usually IN class. on tests i am the worst.

yeah so today is my i want to cry but i'm not giving up day. mark it, because the crying will probably win out later.

You might not like this

the title says it all.

okay so first i feel that i should let everyone know about my boyfriend.

Yes, he's japanese. No, he doesn't speak english. It's difficult but we're making it work.
No, he's not a student, he has a job fixing appliances in a store.
He's 33. and no, it doesn't bother me.
and he is actually the guy i picked up on the train about two weeks ago.

now, before you start in on the concerning i want you to remember one thing.
I am not Stupid.

I don't hit on every guy i meet on trains and i didn't really hit on him so much. I just smiled, then he smiled, then i felt my heart hop out of my chest and squelch across the train to stand beside him. Then we talked, then he walked me to my next train, we traded numbers, had our first date the next day, and i've been crazy for him the entire time.

The day of the date, when he called and asked where to meet and what time, as i was getting ready and even as i was talking to him i told myself that i didn't need to go, i had no reason to go and meet this stranger. but at the same time, i knew i did.

it's not love, i don't think people can fall in love at first sight. but whatever it is, it happened the moment i saw him, and every time i'm around him i feel like i could fly or do anything. and just holding hands with him, or walking down the street by his side, or seeing his face, smelling his scent. i just want more of all of it.

and he's so gentle. he's so protective and tender and sometimes he just looks at me with this expression on his face that makes me want to cry. like he's really in this too. like whatever wierd emotion is between us, he feels it too and i'm not just crazy.

i don't know.

i don't think i'm explaining it right. it's just so perfect when we're together. and when we're apart i get so lonely that i want to cry. and i can't concentrate on anything and all of my original sentences for class have him in them. and if i'm not talking about him, i'm thinking about him, or thinking about what he would say if he were with me, remembering the way my hand feels better holding his. and i've never felt so much for one person before, not like this. He makes me feel beautiful and delicate and special and adored and he makes me want to say the words i love you so much less often, so that when i say them to him it'll mean more.

because i love everyone but i've never loved anyone like him before.

god, i am crazy. i have midterms all day tomorrow but all i can think is that it's been a less than a week since i saw him last and every minute of it majorly sucked.

oh well, i can try to study. and wait until he gets off of work....
bye,
me

i should be studying

i should be, but i can't.

all day i've been thinking that i'm so lucky. this much luck just doesn't happen all of the time, it couldn't. so i've decided that it must simply be that without realizing it, i did something that earned me this much goodness. if i knew, i think i'd try doing it again.

so why am i lucky?

first, i randomly meet Hiro-omi, who is now my sweetheart and the topic of almost all my conversations and thoughts. and in a stroke of pure luck, he thinks i'm amazing too. But i don't hold his poor judgement against him. i hope it will continue.

and more luck, i had a horrible day on thursday but my teachers, my classmates, and all of the people at my school and in my life were so so so so great. Roxanna talked me down, Michiko took me to the doctors (for my feet, what else is new), and everyone was just there with hugs and support and just being there. and Hiro made all of my troubles and worries disappear.

don't think i'm being all sappy but i've never had a guy just hold me when i was sad. i've never had anyone just hold me when i'm sad but these people, i couldn't push them away. they wouldn't let me be alone to be sad. i could barely talk hiro out of cutting off of work to see me.

and i keep thinking that there is no way one person could be lucky enough to just randomly be surrounded by this many good people. and i know it's sudden but i really have never felt this way about a guy before.

it makes my heart beat faster to talk to him and it makes me sigh to be away from him. and when we're together, i don't get hungry or tired or anything. i feel like i'm electric. or on fire or something new and tingly and happy and i want more time in the day or i don't care what we're talking about as long as we're talking.

i'm trying to be careful but i find myself crazy about him already. and everyone knows i'm the least boy crazy person ever. plus, he bought me another cell phone. specifically to call him so that he can foot the bill for our talk time, not me. it's sweet but he's given me so much i'm starting to get annoyed at his wonderful-ness. not really, just envious because i wish i was that amazing.

anyhow i SHOULD be studying, so i'll try.

mommy

hey mommy, don't worry. i never get drunk drunk and i don't ever puke. so when i say i drank, i mean i had drinks not was plastered. and that dancing day, most of the stuff i drank was water because i was too cheap.

and i am still me, so automatically you know i can take care of myself no matter what. but i also have friends here, friends i help take care of and that help take care of me. i'm not in "danger" or anything. and even when they're not around me, my friends still check in on me as does my no-sense-of-humor-or-leniency dorm staff.

i know you worry because no one could possibly take as good of care of me as you and while that's true, i'm good enough at doing it on my own, even here. and it's really not as different here as it feels like when you're in america.

so i love you, but i've got another very busy day today so i've got to go. oh did i mention? today is a national holiday so no school! okay bye!

Update

that's right, sit down because this will be a long one.

okay so first, i got the packages last night mom, thanks! and the those farror thingies lasted only about four minutes. thank you mom. i love you.


so now i guess i'll start with last week.
last weeek was horrible, it was raining everyday and i always get a little sad when it rains but then i failed three tests for some random small mistakes, and it was just one of those weeks that everything was falling down around my ears, not to mention i felt sick with headaches and so on. even the people i hung out with and me got into spats and i felt alone and ugly and sick and sad and a big cumulation of nasty things. and my friend in ibaraki wanted me to visit her which is expensive and i really didn't feel like going.

so that friday, i was debating what i should do, having skipped classes because i threw up from some bad onigiri. and chloe knocked on my door and invited me out drinking. i knew if i had been sick, drinking should have been the last thing on my mind but the more i thought about it, the more it felt like that's what i needed. so i went out thinking we'd be in a small group and have a quiet get together. nope. there was about 10-13 people all together and we stayed at a club dancing the whole time for about 6 hours.

it was exactly what i needed. because i felt like i fit in and some of the boys danced like dorks like me, intentionally. and i drank and i danced and i had little japanese girls copying me! and i danced on the bar with chloe and roxanna. it was the first time i've ever had so much fun, doing anything. and the boys from KCP are amazing! they all know how to break dance or at least they really fooled me. but afterwards we went to Los Cabos, which is a little bar that Chloe and Roxana have adopted. and sobered up to the taste of nachos and buffalo wings.

(little word of warning here, never invite me to play darts, i'll hurt someone. oh and uh, no comment about that.)

then i called my ibaraki friend and told her i was up all night puking, i wasn't, i lied. and so i'm going to try to visit her next sunday, if i can, if she can. i know, i'm bad. but i couldn't. i really couldn't go and i'm glad i didn't. On saturday i went out shopping with Anne and we both cut our hair, then sunday i bummed around doing nothing.

this week passed pretty fast, i did really well on the make up tests and my teacher complimented my intonation, which is a first, then told me i need to speak more quickly. i think i did well on all the tests this week except the kanji test, which was horrible. and i still have to make up one more test next week. Another kanji one.

and on friday 10/31 was the KCP school BBQ, and i brought homemade egg salad which everyone complimented, and i brought face paint and was painting everyone's faces and having a great time and then we played games like a wierd versoin of red light/green light and red rover. when we played red rover, i got knocked to the ground so hard i thought my arm had been torn off. but it was still really fun and i didn't get a bruise.

that night i was supposed to meet abu and some other friends for a party but i called and cancelled and me and Suzanne went out for a quiet dinner and drinks in shibuya. i am so sad that she'll be leaving in December, i get along so well with her. literally, i can't think of a thing that we don't agree on we're that similar. she's awesome. and every time i'm around her i can't stop laughing.

we were coming back to shinjuku station and the train was so crowded that we were pushed up against each other, my shoulder in her shoulder and stumbling as the train jerked and swayed. but still she wouldn't stop making me laugh. and when i laugh i shake so everyone that was jammed into me was feeling me shake uncontrollably. and then i was trying to get her to be quiet so i could calm down and i called her loud/shut up in japanese and she kneed me! it didn't hurt but i still like dropped and all of the middle aged guys around us were smiling "oh those silly foreigners" and the women were glaring "oh those americans!" and it had to be the funniest most amusing train ride i've ever been on.

and yesterday was a culture class and we went to ginza (wow) and the emperor's estate(gorgeous) and the sony building(boring) and after i got gussed up because abu said he was in shibuya but my friends were going to roppongi and so i went alone. and i sort of met a guy on the train. yeah....not much more to say just yeah....

and then i met abu but the best part of my night was before the last of his friends arrived because after that they just sat around and talked about sex in japanese and inhaled everything in front of them. i'm both glad i didn't understand and slightly peeved that for 2 hours i had to sit there and listen to them with no one talking to me. it sucked. really really really really lame.

i mean i love abu and obviously he's not perfect but how can anyone be that dense? Elizabeth, i am ranting please don't tell him. and goodness, did they expect me to understand all that? and if i did, would they even have talked like that? probably not. i'm just annoyed beyond annoyed.

but i am cleaning my room and washing my clothes and loving mommy for the drink mixes and foods. and i sort of have a date tonight, i think. it's kinda wierd and i probably should have said no but it is a sunday and if all that happens is that i end up not buying my own food for once, it'll be nice.

anyhow, i'm definately not done getting the stank smell out of my room, i left the egg salad dish in my room for too long i think.

love you, you are now informed of my life so i will continue it. and post pictures soon, if i ever get this site to work.

so i lied

okay, i haven't sent the stuff yet but i will. this weekend. i swear!
because if i keep anymore of it here, i won't have room to sleep in my room.

anyhow i've been really busy the last few days and today. so gotta go but i do love you.

you should know that by now.

i felt poetic

For Zabe

I missed you today
Not because I couldn’t see you
Not because I wanted to
But I missed you
In the way that astronomers miss the stars
Missing in the way that takes their very breath
Because they want to be there
Want to be a star
But they have two left feet and can’t glow

I missed you today
In the way that veterans miss WWII
Because they were vital then
And the world changed from what they did
But the war is gone and social security doesn’t feed your dreams

I missed you today,
In the way that hairstylists miss the fifties
Because things were simpler then, they made sense
And the world was united with hairspray
But cosmetology’s become a refined skill and I don’t have the talent

I missed you today,
Like a hunter misses his prey
Because you scampered ahead of me
But I am lost without you to follow

And miss you now,
Like a lonely girl misses her best friend
Because the world is changing
But the only person to make me grow was you

I love you.

okay that was the really good one, i think. but i mean this one just as much. so i hope you believe me when you read it.

For the mommies (Con Queso, he-do, and Odie)

Sometimes I think you’re blind
And stupid
Because sometimes when I look at you,
You shine
There’s a light in your eyes
And you’re warm and love squishes out of you
Like water from a sponge
And I’m in awe of this beautiful radiant woman
And how I could possibly be related
And feel so blessed and surpassed at the same time

So I’m sure you must be stupid,
Because there’s not a piece of you that’s not beautiful to me
There’s not one moment, not a breath,
When I see the person you see in the mirror
How can a face so vibrant worry about wrinkles?
How can a smile so intoxicating worry about her teeth?
How can a heart so pure fret over what she eats?

I’d like to call you stupid once more
But from the moment I pictured you in my mind
I’ve known it’s not true.
So I’ll settle on blind.

Haircut!

i got a hair cut, it's really cute but also short. it's hard to tell in the pictures because my hair is so dark but tell me what you think.

but i feel fine now, no sicky-sickness and i bought some new clothes (shirts in men's sizes, everything is size -4, you know, so small the people wearing them are giving cloth back to the makers)



and mom, i don't mean to take you for granted. or make you feel like you're not doing anything to help me. you've done so much already. You're amazing.

and EVERYONE!!! FYI: i am going to mail out the packages on monday morning! Sara's stuff will be in the same box as joanie and the babies. Elizabeth, i need your address. so comment it here or email it to me.

and Zabe hun, i'm so sorry i'm not there to give you a hug. you know i would blow off classes and sit at the foot of your purple bed and listen to you if i could. we'd eat pizza and drink bitch beer and whine about how hard it is to be in college and still have stupid boys to deal with. but i really do talk about you all the time and think about you when i'm silent. you're my best best. sorry for making this hard on you.

Ok, well dinner and homework calls, so g'night!
LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

always,
me

Ps. Zabe, can you tell jessy to tell the girls that i'm gonna mail their stuff soon, i've just had no time to go shopping for them yet. But everything i see up here reminds me of you, so i think i may have gone overboard. i can't wait till you get them.

Karma's a female dog and i'm her bitch

pardon the language, it's been one of those days.

just a note mom. your comments said that [you will be mailed in the box tomorrow] and [take care of one's self] the latter is less ridiculous i guess and i got the point but it made me laugh.
anyhow, i love you. i'm trying to do what's right but for some reason it feels like i keep getting punished. like yesterday with monetary stuff and today i felt really sick and i almost hurled right in my classroom. but i got out and i went and laid down in the sick room.

but i felt like i got punished because after that i didn't go to any of my classes. how did i get punished? i lost my 75 dollar train pass. oh yeah, things are going good. oh, did i mention that i borrowed someone's umbrella then left that on a train too?

i don't know if it's a cold or the stars but something is conspiring against me.
THEY just don't want me to have a good week, i guess. or something.

all i had wanted was enough time to do everything, now i have more to do, less will to do it, and the same scant amount of time and money.

but don't worry, i always come out on top. i can do this too and be stronger for it. that's what i'm choosing to believe. and it's true, someone will find my umbrella, my stuff, and my train pass and they will turn them in because they are better people than me. and i will turn it in, the next time i find anything. it's just a lesson i had to learn the hard way.

and come next wednesday, i'll be in a great mood. if there's one annoying thing(i know there's more than one so shut up) about me, it's that i am the perkiest optimist alive. that i know of. and speaking of which, i did get to have a nap today, so that was nice. and the teachers were all sweet and concerned for me, i had previously bought my personal train pass (a chargable card not the ticket pass that the school gave me, and the school pass lets me go anywhere for free for a month, my card runs out fast.) but i bought my personal one so i wasn't stuck in the station or anything.

there's always an upside i guess. remind of that later.

The little things and that Karma chick

This is the strange series of events that happened to me today. It'll make sense in the end, or not, whichever.

First i found 5000Yen on the sidewalk. i tried to do the right thing and i asked the shopkeepers in anyone had lost money so i could return it. no one had and the shop keep told me to keep it. So i was in a great mood and then i got to school and talked to mr tanaka and he told me to go to the police box and turn it in and if no one claims it then in six months, i'd get it. and i didn't. I mean c'mon, really, i'm a nice person but i'm not that nice.

so classes were average, meaning i did really weell in the morning and worse in the afternoon. But some of my classmates noticed that i was out of spirits yesterday and asked me if i was okay. and one guy told me i looked pretty. i didn't know if he was joking or what so i just said thank you and returned the compliment. I really wish i knew how to say that if you keep changing your hair color so often, your hair will fall out. he needs to hear it. i swear, everyday a new color. but he does wear the wierd colors well, i guess. a very handsome albeit arrogant korean boy named -----. i don't remember his name.

anyhow, after classes, my backpack strap broke and then i missed being able to walk home with my friends and had to walk home in the rain, oh did i mention that i lost my umbrella on a train along with the stuff i'd bought with the 5000yen. so yeah, that went fast.

totalled out i probably lost about exactly 5000yen (my umbrealla and backpack included) so i'm not sure if i was predestined to lose my stuff and break my bag and god was covering for me or if it's karma for not turning in the money.

but i ate a cake and had the most delicious dinner and am about to open my bag of pizza flavored chips while i do my homework and watch stardust. and for some reason, it might be that my spirit is coming back or something, but i am still so content.

i feel at peace and loved, you should know who's hug i'm wearing.

jah, oyasuminasai! Anatatachi wo aishiteiruyo!
Well, g'night! Love you guys!

I danced in the train station today

yes, it's true.

getting through shinjuku station is always more of a dance than a walk because hundreds of people are filing through it at the same time as you. you have to dart and weave and spin and stop randomly. Being able to shake your hips is a blessing and i was listening to my mp3 player as i plowed my way through the crowd and suddenly i started laughing.

i was moving and stepping in time to the song i was listening to and though no one could tell, i was dancing.

and something occured to me today. i've been letting little things upset me, even today when my tmj acted up and i got a massive headache, i let it get to me. and the only remedy is to be the object of someone's attention. because i am so much a people pleaser that i will ignore the pain so they think i'm enjoying talking to them and i do it to the extent that even i forget that i'm in pain at all, until a lull comes along.

so the little thing that upset me on monday was the fact that i got a 60% on my first kanji test. the LOWEST score in my class and that was the first day i started feeling sick. today i have accepted the fact that i am getting a cold. oh well, life goes on.

and this weekend, i'm trying to find a way out of a promise i made to go and visit my friend's school festival on saturday. it's not that i don't want to go but i told her i would BEFORE i knew how much the bullet train tickets cost. and now i think she expects me to stay at a hotel, i just can't afford it. and roxana and chloe are going to los cabos (the coolest little mexican-japanese cantina) on friday and suzanne is having a welcome party from her homestay family on sunday and i want to meet them and hang with her because we're both so busy we never get the time.

but, if i don't go i know my friend will be hurt because i promised her that i would go and i'll feel bad for hurting her and i won't get another chance to see her for like a month and a half. So i really don't know what to do. and still, no one has told me how to get there, they only told me about how much it will cost.

and to be completely honest, i miss her and i do want to see her but i wish there was a way i could go for a day, or half a day or next weekend but every alternative falls through.

anyhow, it's like 8:15 pm here but i feel like i'm sick so i'm going to bed now and i'll try to get up early to finish my homework and study for the test. Oh, did i mention i had another kanji test today that i probably bombed? and tomorrow in a chapter test and grammer points count so yay. that's all i have to say, yay. and can someone send me a new brain? mine's running slow, i think the software needs some updating, maybe a kanji/japanese grammer/dictionary program?

anyhow, goodnight. love you, you know i do.
me

Just a note

Yes mom i got the packages, sorry i didn't say so before. i forgot. but i got them within about seven days. and thank you!

and this is to everyone, just a note to let you know.

I took you with me when i left, kept all those last hugs for rainy days, and saved the feel of your smiles. I took them all out on the plane and admired them, showed them around my new dorm, and had them meet my friends. I wear them sometimes when i need them and hold them in my heart every time else.

I wear sara's smile when i'm happy and laughing, her hug when no one understands me, and Elizabeth's smile when i feel basically amazing. I wear mom's hug at night when i can't sleep because home seems so far away. I wear heather's hug to remind myself that i am beautiful. Joanie's hug i save for moments that i feel at peace and loved. I wear grandma's hug when i need to be wrapped up in world that's beautiful. I wear the babies hugs when i'm lonely and their smiles when i'm curious. I'm saving dad's hug for when i need to feel safe, grandpa's hug for when i need a comforting friend, and Elizabeth's hug for when some boy breaks my heart.

There are so many last laughs, hugs, kisses, smiles, touching soft baby heads, watching you think, and hearing your voice. each moment i keep with me because i know i need them. I couldn't go if i didn't have you, and wouldn't if i couldn't take you with me.

i know it seems hard, because you are more than your smiles and hugs and voice. But for now, it's what i have and i'm doing my best. but if i didn't leave enough of me behind, i'm sorry. I would give all the money in the world to be in more than one place at one time. and i know it may not make you miss me less, or make me miss you less, but i am happy.

It's more than i dreamed it would be. More like a home and less like New york. There's country-side and trees and huge birds everywhere. And beautiful people, and from the moment i came here, i have had the strangest sense of belonging. Like i'm meant to be here.

maybe not forever, maybe not even for too long, but i think right now i am where i need to be. Even if it means that i must endure the painful pieces of my heart churn from missing you. all of you. You know i love you, i know you know. so if you need a hug, call out to the wind, and one will find you again. If you need a hand, to help you along, close your eyes and take mine.

I'm here for you, always. It doesn't matter where i am and you are, i am there.
Please remember that.

Just some randomness on a sunday evening

Have you ever looked at something so much that you don't even see it anymore? like you are looking through it now, or somehow bending around it, or maybe just trancing it out of focus? I was looking at an advertisment on the train this morning and everyday i try to read the advertisments and see if i can understand them, but today i was looking at this one in particular. there was nothing special about it i guess, but the more i stared, the more i liked it. it wasn't that i gradually came to understanding it, but more the fact that i could appreciate what i didn't understand and see it from the outside. see it for the way it portrays the culture, normalacy, persuasiveness, and essence of being japanese.


i was simultaneously listening to my mp3 player and i got a brilliant idea. so here it is, if you want to know what it is you'll just have to watch.

and mommy, i am giving out the exact list of things i would like you to send to me. and i know it's not cheap to mail stuff overseas, so i'm sorry.

oh and my school sent me a bill to my email 3 days ago saying that i hadn't paid for all the neccessary items that i'm required to pay for, like health insurance and tech fee and other nonsense that i can't ever use. i tried to stay up late to call them but i never got through so finally tonight i just paid it with my card. it sucks but if i don't pay it, then they wont keep me on the books which means i'd have to start paying my loan, which means i'd have a lot more problems.

back to the list, again anyone that reads this can feel free to join in with the gifts to me.

any type of dorittos chips, or any chips in the small packs
some small sweet snacks, not chocolate, not nuts, something plain but sweet like lucky charms
drink mixes that you just drop into a water bottle and go
(i can't stand this much tea)
some noodle/rice dishes where you just add water and done
some american style dessert that is just add water and done
(cookies are a good example)
some stain remover for clothes
wrinkle out
a lint roller
granola bars/special k bars/anything i can eat on the go
and the first drawer of clothes

and i was wondering if you would terribly mind hunting out, in particular, my brown long sleeve shirt with a hot and light pink stamped pattern, the wacky blue mismatchy dress that sara gave to me, and the blue sweatpants and blue sleeveless jacket. if you can't find them it's okay but i've been really wanting to wear them.

anyhow, i really haven't done anything all day but homework, cleaning my room, and i went out to a chinese restaurant with some friends. the cleaning took most of the day since they have no dryers here. I actually do like air dried clothes though.

oh well, goodnight! love you!

For elizabeth

Like the title says, this one is for elizabeth.

So Ebeth, haha i'm too far away for you to hit me for calling you that, you wanted to know about my classmates. here goes.

The girls in my class are all really sweet, strangely dressed, tiny little people that have voices too big for their bodies. the girls that sit on either side of me are really kind and they always help me and soon i'm going to meet up with Juu-n san or Jusu san for drinks. Juu-n has an emo fashion sense with a really bubbly personality. i can talk to her more easily because her voice is really loud. Jusu on the other hand is a tiny lace-y type fashion girl with a predisposition to falling asleep randomly.

Oh, and all my classmates are korean except Akadi who is russian and Lenamarie who's from illonois. but they're across the class so i can't really ever ask them questions.

and today, a little good news, despite how i've felt i'm actually in the mid-high range of my class. a few of my classmates got told that they weren't really level 2 material but with me my teachers just want me to study more. that i can do. plus, it's nice to know that my speaking is above par for my group.

ok, back to topic, the boys here are mostly all handsome and all of them are ridiculously smart. i don't know whether it's the difference in culture or the difference genetically but i think asian boys look better. They always dress up and their hair is always perfect and they have such smooth skin (aka no freckles) and i don't know how many other reasons. but it's really really true, seeing boys in suits and styled hair is kinda nice. i didn't really think before about how little effort american boys put into their look until i got here. it's really admirable too, what with the heat and the crowds, that these boys can maintain the perfect look all day without ever getting frazzled. it's daunting. after about an hour, i look like i've been awake 3 days without showering.

anyways, i lied in the last blog. i am going out tonight. Roxanna and chloe invited me to get a few drinks with them and steve and teguu. it sounds fun but, if my family is reading this, don't worry people out there in mommy and daddy land, i'm not going to drink too much. i have culture class in the morning and the last thing i want is to get a hangover when we're going to spend the whole day on our feet.

anyhow, love you Zabe.

Your best best

Hi again

Okay, so this will be a short update because I don’t have that much time this morning and I have so much to do because I overslept. For the last couple of days I’ve been exhausted and so I haven’t written, sorry. Yesterday was an amazing day.

I felt like I looked good, everyone I knew wanted to hang around me, things kinda fell into place, I felt like I understood my class and I didn’t make a fool out of myself for the first time, and the few bad things that happened didn’t seem to stick. Yeah, it was one of those days.

But on a more academic note, I told you all before I was a trial with level 2. it turns out that to be in a certain level in KCP, all of your skills have to be equal. Speaking, kanji, grammar, reading aloud, speed, intonation, all of it. And so it turns out that I was on trial between level 1 and 2. the most beginner levels. Yesterday was the day that they decided where to put me for good. They said that I have a lot of skill but my kanji, my grammar, and the fact that I don’t think in Japanese are hindering me. So they allowed me to be in 2 on the condition that I study for an extra hour with a teacher everyday.

This morning I’m supposed to go to an English support lesson, which means that the teacher can speak English so all of my questions can be answered. But twice a week I meet with my teacher and she’s going to go over my notes to make sure they’re up to par.

I’m not kidding when I say that I’ve never studied in my life. I never had to. So this whole having to study for like 3 hours at night and all day at school and the mornings and now extra lessons. It’s killing me. Not really, I know that in the end I will be so much better because of it but it’s still frustrating.

Oh, and all of the teachers, the administrative staff, and the dorm people seem to really like me. Not a shock I guess but they keep telling me how kind I am and what a strong spirit I have and how cheerful I always am. It’s nice but at the same time kinda sad. Why should I get recognized for being a good human just because other people aren’t? shouldn’t being a good decent person be commonplace? Shouldn’t be happy and cheerful be normal?

And I tried uploading those karaoke videos last night but I swear that this site is being stubborn. It takes so much time to upload anything. Time I never have. But today is Friday so I’ll try again after school. I’m not going out tonight because I have culture class at 9am tomorrow. So there’s no point.

and i know that i haven't really emailed anyone lately, i'm really sorry. i mean i knew i'd be busy but really i always am. i rarely have enough time to write on this thing but i am trying. i know that later i'll enjoy reading these and remembering all of my struggles and triumphs. yet that doesn't make it anymore difficult.

well i really do have to go, if i wait any longer the breakfast will close and i'll have to spend more money. and most of you know how cheap i am, so bye! wish me luck in my tutoring session.

Anyhow I hope this satisfies you for now. Love you,
me

yeah...later

i know it's been a few days and i was gonna write today but i feel so tired.
i did cry today but before everyone gets all concerned, i knew i was going to feel homesick. the feeling already passed.

i just really miss elizabeth and my mommy and my friends and family and the babies and english and normal food and quiet dorms and being able to call everyone at my whim. i'll post tomorrow after school. i have videos of me and my friends doing karaoke, one is of tone singing doumo arigatou mr. roboto. hilarious.

anyhow yeah...later i guess.

i miss you guys. and i do think about you guys all the time.
love you.
me

About time, i guess...

so it has, not dawned on me, but occured to me why i have spent so much in the last few days. First, i needed things that i will only need to buy at first but not everyday. Like a trashcan, laundry soap, clothes hangers, the meal plan, tissues, pencil case, erasers, kanji notebooks, slippers (surprisingly, you need a couple pairs. i figured one would be good enough), and etc.

soon i think it'll all settle out. i still have some more things i need but soon it should be better. and i decided to just buy a box of drink mixes and sugar powder so that i'm not spending a dollar every time i'm thirsty.

the rest of my shopping list.
a pan/baking tray/or teapot
more of those cloth boxes that unfold to sit upright.
dry foods because there are no dorm meals on sundays and no lunches ever
socks that go above the ankle (my new shoes are high-tops.)
extension cord
that wrinkle-out spray that you spray and wrinkles are gone, like magic
boxes to mail stuff home (to nephews/nieclings/family/friends/and to special mommies.)
more sport tape/gauze/and any protective wraps (my feet are broken and literally bleed through everything)
and maybe a tiny little book i can write how much i'm spending in to keep better track of it

anything that you want to send to me from the above list, comment and i'll hold off buying it. except the sport tape stuff, i'll still buy more even if you send me some. but anything else, feel free to buy it for me. i will not refuse it. especially that wrinkle-out stuff, i don't think they have it here.

anyhow, the club was really fun. i felt like a complete dork dancing next to people with acutal skill and rhythm but the japanese people didn't seem to notice if i was bad or not, i was american and we were listenting to english songs, including Sexy back which is a really good song. but my friends were nice and i had a good time.

after we left the club, we walked around for a while, played some claw games(rigged here too i guess), ate a crepe-y pizza-y thing, and then went to do karaoke. it's so great here because while you're doing karaoke the drinks are all free because it's like a covercharge thing, or it could have been that we were a 9 group party and all of us paid like 25 dollars for a couple hours of singing. we sang really awesome iconic classic songs like michael jackson's black or white, Venus by bananaorama, domo arigatou mr. roboto, and such. i think the karaoke was my favorite part. we were all sitting around and laughing and singing and i really felt at home. it's like i have this community here too. and even if i am dork, they accept me and want me to hang out with them and take care of me. (don't worry mom, i didn't need taking care of. it was just an expression)

anyways, i think it's because i'm so far out of my comfort circle that i feel like even more of a dork. because in america i know the limits for acceptable dorkiness but here i'm not sure. so if i dance in my grandma style in america, i feel ok. but here, i kept having to stop because i got too paranoid about people watching me to have a good time. and literally, if you're a foreigner at all then you attract everyone's attention. i've always kinda liked attention but i have realized that there is a limit and i do want to kind of fade back in the background a little.


anyhow more picture to come and i am going shopping for a cellphone tomorrow so i should have one soon. Abu is coming with me so that i dont get fast talked or get a plan i don't understand. Then i'm going to his house and i'm going to meet his mother. He said she really wants to meet me and i want to meet ehr but i don't know what to bring. common courtesy here says that i need to bring a gift to show respect and grattitude for being invited.

oh and i met a lot of korean students. most of them speak english too and their japanese is amazing. it's kind of daunting but i'm trying my best. Well, i gotta go. i'm staying in tonight and moving my furniture around and then i'm gonna watch a movie and do homework. so goodnight, oyasumi!

love you, all my hugs and kisses.
me

Okay

Today was a great day but i did finally break down and buy new shoes here. i was lucky though and got a pair of cute durable converse shoes for only 4408yen. it's like 44 dollars but for this city i was suprised to find them so cheap.

i have been buying shoe insoles at the 100 yen store by the handful. i think now i'm set until next week, just kidding. maybe next month.

classes were a lot better today, i got to see so many of the students this morning and (this part is for elizabeth) Paddy's hair is so long! Abu told me he had a mullet but when i saw him, it wasn't a mullet, whatever it is it looks really cool in person. and sorry but i told him so.

and tomorrow in friday so me and some classmates will go out to a club. i'm excited and i'm grateful that i have more americans than just me going. oh, and great news! i can buy a really nice japanese electronic dictionary from one of my classmates. Sorry mom, the one i got was really for beginners only. but in a turn of luck, she may want to buy my dictionary from me. we're trying each other's out tonight to see if we can handle them/want them. but if we both end up wanting them, i'm going to still need to give her 150-200 dollars to make up the difference.

tokyo is way way more expensive than i thought it'd be. i thought that i'd be able to keep a reign on my pocket book but i cant. i have to buy all of my water/juice/any drinkables. and even though i have a meal plan, it's hard to go without food between breakfast and dinner and always end up buying something. and sometimes, no, everyday so far, i have been getting back to the dorm at around 8pm after leaving at about 7am. and i'm pretty much on my feet the entire time.

goodness, i have homework and my clothes should be done in the washer so i gotta go. besides i'm so sweaty, i've got to shower. japan is like a sauna all the time.

LOVE YOU!!!!!!

Pitcha time

ok, i hope this works. these are my pictures. all except today and yesterday, which i'm too tired right now to get up and go through my bag for my camera. and i know, i know, i'll try to take more pictures because this isn't very many for 3 days in japan.

there. if you can see it, i'm glad. if you can't, then comment and i can try again tomorrow.

Not all roses

i don't have time right now to write a long thing but i wanted to tell you.

it's not all roses. yesterday sucked for the most part but i am trying to remember the few little good things that happened. and i will never never never give up.

this morning, when i leave in a few minutes, i'm going to meet one of my old students for coffee. i think it'll make me feel better about yesterday and then i can put the past behind me. anyways, i know, still no pictures up.

i just have no time now cause i have to catch a train soon. and this stupid site isn't uploading my pictures at all. it'll take me time to sit down and just wait and wait and figure it out. and even though i'm sorry, i haven't had time to do it yet.


anyways, gotta go. love you

My address

Jessica Lambert
Dormitory Higashi-Fuchu #114
3-20-3 Midori-cho,
Fuchu-shi, Tokyo 183-0006
JAPAN

ok, now i have to get ready for classes.
soon, maybe this weekend or next week,
me and some friends are going to go out and buy cellphones.
but first i have to regester for my alien card.

anyhow, i'm going to school soon so i have to get ready.

mom, don't be sad even if the house is quiet, at least it's not messy.
I love everyone so much!

Day...3?

Okay, so sit down and get comfortable, this will be a long one.

on the first day, i met with my school and went to my dormitory
and tried to figure out how things worked.

day 2, i kinda figured out how everything worked, i emailed everyone,
and took my placement test (i'm level 2 japanese), and met up with
some of my students after dinner. I met so many of my students and
even though i was (and am still) exhausted, i felt like i couldn't stop smiling.

after i met with my friends, i accidentally fell asleep on the
train home and had to ride for an extra hour just to get back
to my dormitory. but i learned more about the trains and because
of my incident i now know the how-tos back to front.

oh and that morning, the train was so crowded that they literally had poeple
pushing others to fit them into the train. it was like everyone was attached
at the hip but your feet and head was free. i felt like a spring that kept
wobbling around because there was no room to even hold on to anything.
but you really didn't need to, unless it got less crowded. but as it was,
the other people around you held you up. crazy.

and finally today, i slept from 1am (when i finally got home from the incident)
until 5:30am. then i got up and ready and left for another couple hours on the
train. normally, the train takes about 30-40minutes but there was a malfunction
on the first day on the line that i ride so it took longer. so i left so early because i thought it would still take a long time. it didn't. me and my dormmates
went and had coffee before class and then we were in an oreintation meeting
from 9am to 5pm, after which my teacher took us walking around downtown
shinjuku like a tour group and we found a 1 dollar shop. i bought a lot,
including some presents for the nephews and niecelings. i don't know who i'm gonna give it to yet but since all but becca can't read well i'll put it up here.
i found a play money set for children but it's japanese money. it looks just like the real thing.

it still might take me some time to figure out how to mail stuff. but at least i
know where a fedex and a post office is. i haven't taken pictures of the food
because i found so many more things to take pictures of. but i will try because
some of these dishes are really strange but always good.

right now, my feet feel like they're going to fall off. i had a blister that was so big that the open wound covers almost my entire heel. it's very painful. but i don't let it get to me. i refuse to be anything less than content. oh, and today i was told implicitly that i might be transferred to the next level up, if i prove myself in the first week. i'm not too worried though because no matter where i end up, i will learn a lot and enjoy myself. besides, even if i don't get the level i want, next quarter if my grades have been good i will be placed in the next level and the next quarter the next.

i probably wont be writing to anyone individually for a while. i'm being run ragged.
but i will try to keep you updated on everything i'm doing. right now i'm going to go eat dinner then study some because my classes start tomorrow and i do want to prove myself, or at least try. chances are that i'll just ending sleeping with the book over my face.

good night everyone. I love you.


oh and i know i promised pictures but wait one more day. i have tried everything i know to get this stupid site to upload them but they wont. and i'm really too tired to mess with it. but i have pictures of all the three days, not as many as i maybe should have taken because it's hard to remember to take a picture rather than just be impressed.

again, i love you. oyasuminasai! Good night!

Day 1

So apparently even accessing the internet is different in a different country. After plugging in my ethernet cable and setting down to work, i noticed that all of the little buttons i take for granted are now in japanese. like logins and even this site.



anyways, i'm tired, wet (because it started raining just before i was going to walk to my dorm), and i killed a spider. but on the other hand, tokyo is beautiful, as you will see when i have the time or energy to upload pictures. as it is, i love you all. i'm going to bed now.

My recovery

so, i like to think that i could always sing better than this but this is a song to document my recovery.

i used to sing this particular song to each of the babies. Because i do long to be close to them. everyday.

love you all.

Battle Scars

Mom said that maybe i should write out the truama of being in the ICU. frankly, i want to think about it as little as possible but i keep finding myself thinking about it. I think going through something that serious has a way of impacting you, beyond physically i mean. Sometimes when i sleep, i have these dreams that i'm still there and that recovering and going home was all some dream i was having. that really i'm back in that bed, beeping and whirring machines around me, my hands tied motionless at my sides.

THE ICU INCIDENT

first and foremost: The doctors, mom, the surgeons, and me are all clueless as to why this happened. No understandable reasons for my respiratory failure.

all my life, i've prided myself on the fact that i'm the strong one. I'm the rock in a changing sea of sara's illnesses, heather's many states of mind, and even in life as a general. But this recent, i want to say accident but that's not right, this whatever it was scared me. I'm breakable.

I remember being nervous before the surgery but still joking around. I did my part bravely, and got those pesky toncils out. when we cam home i ate some jello and some pudding and i was going to watch a movie but i got tired. And when i say tired, i mean i blinked and fatigue was pressed in on me like a blanket. So i went to sleep.

when i woke up, my hands were tied to my sides. Something beeped and ticked over me and hands prodded me in every direction. I saw mom's face and i couldn't understand what was happening. i couldn't understand why i couldn't break free or speak or do anything but blink up at everyone blurrily. The room dipped and floated around me. It was painful and bright and it hurt to breathe and my wrists were tied down.

when they finally trusted me enough to give me control over my arms, i was too weak to do anything but cough and gag and try not to drown in my own mucus. i watched Tv constantly because the alternative was listening to the other rooms were other machines beeped and other respirators whirred out other dying people's air. If you have never felt mortal fear, then you can't understand anything i'm saying here. i truly thought that that was the end of my life. I thought i was dying.

but i didn't die. But after about two-three days, i started to wish i had. i have never been particularly active but lying in that bed, unable to even go to the bathroom or raise my bed, i thought that not dying would be almost a crueler fate. because not only were they not taking out the tubes already in me, but they kept adding more. Like a feeding tube that they pushed down my nose and through my throat, WHILE I WAS AWAKE. I got so scared that i told mom, or maybe wrote, that i didn't want to go to japan anymore. i had been shaken so much that i truly only wanted to stay with mom for the next 6 months like sara had. i wanted to curl up into a ball and have her protect me for the rest of my life.

she did something better. She helped me be brave enough to keep my decision to go. She believed that not only would i recover but that i would be strong like i was before, brave like i used to be. It was exactly what i needed.

After that my every thought was about getting the doctors to let me out. This part may not be admirable but i lied to those every chance i got. i told them that i could do anything they asked me to do. i pushed to get out of that respirator. by the time they started talking about the next step, i was already plotting to beat them there. But seeing as everything ended all right, it couldn't have been that bad of me to lie.

On Saturday, i got the respirator out but i still had to keep the feeding tube, in case i couldn't swallow, and they gave me an oxygen nose thing to replace my tube. And in case i didn't mention it, i had the one jello cup and the one pudding cup on wednesday but nothing from that point until saturday night. Not even ice chips, not even water. My stomach felt like it wanted to rip a hole through me. and on saturday night, after being off the tube for about 2-4 hours, i got broth and some jello. Mom had to watch me so i didn't shove them down my throat and rip something, or eat too fast and puke it all up.

on sunday, i was transferred to a private room. I had not slept in blocks greater than ten minutes at a time and all of them nightmares. But the quiet room with mom sitting beside my new bed, i finally got to sleep a little and actually rest. If mom wasn't near me, i didn't sleep. i didn't feel safe unless she was there.

on monday, i was released. so i went home but even with my mom by my side the whole time, i still felt like a little bird waiting to be caught. it's been almost four days of being at home and i still have fears that i'll wake up and never have left.





Now, all i have to remember the struggle (aside from meds and a cough), is one arm that is painful to even touch, more so to move, big thick bruises up and down my arms, a swollen hand -that is a little less swollen now, a non existant appitite, a newfound fear of the dark, and not enough stamina to even go to the store with mom without one of those riding carts.

The war is not won, my voice still sucks, but other than that i'm enjoying my time out of lockdown. there are some things that i've learned from this experience, things i think other people should think about too.

Things I now know

1. Loving mommies can make life in hell, seem like nothing worse than a long line at the DMV. They can also vanquish bad dreams and pain.

2. Always say i love you to your friends and family, and thank you to the people changing your IV's. If i really had died, at least i wouldn't have left anything unsaid.

3. One day can change your life, your sense of security, your voice, your dreams, and even the way you think. And not neccessarily for the better.

4. Always be grateful for the moments that you feel well, you never know when or how long they'll stay with you. Good Health is as much a gift as Love.

5. Experiences can break you, they can make you want a half-life of nothing more than being curled up into a ball. But if you're lucky someone will remind you, or you'll remember, that big dreams don't give you too many chances. and if you're going to get one of those opportunities you'll have no time to curl into a ball.

6. Lastly, TV has too many movies about death, dying, blood, gore, shooting, murder. and not enough stupid funny happy movies.

Short update

Mom and Sara and me are sitting around talking about where to go out today and i have the feelings we'll be going soon. but this is a short post to tell everyone that i don't see everyday, i love you. I miss you. i think about you all the time, i just seem to keep having other things to do. but i will post a good post later. I Promise!

Remember, i love you.

My magazine

So i think that every woman deserves a magazine devoted to them. One where they are in every picture, looking super fine and every article is about how they can possibly maintain their perfect lives and gorgeousness.

So here are the glamour shots that i took, of me. SANS Makeup!

Sports Section!

The next picture is when i woke up after having slept walked into a wall. I know, i'm talented. But i took a pic of it anyways. Blood....Ooooooohh...

Then more glamour shots!

I think this one makes my nose look a little big though...

Jane Austin and love

I’ve come to a decision to tonight as to why I can’t seem to write about love. And it’s not because I’ve never been in love. My imagination, on it’s own, would be fueled enough by my own romantic notions. But lately, and after much watching of Jane Austin novels, I’ve come to realize that I’ve never had a friend.

And I’m sorry but family doesn’t count for this.

I have never had a friend that was dear to me. Never had someone there that I felt comfortable enough around to let my heart experience exactly all of the things that love requires on the resume. I realize now what I need most, the thing I’m truly lacking, is a friend. I don’t need a boyfriend or a romance because half of romances are all imaginings and fantasy anyways and boyfriends come after romance. What I want is a friend.

When I picture myself in five years, ten years, twenty years I don’t see wedding rings or his and hers towels. I see myself happy. That’s all I’m really planning for. I see laughter and off key singing and jokes that no one gets but me and one other person. I know from personal experience that I can make myself happy and I can even make other people happy on occasion but I haven’t had the luck to find someone that makes me happy. I think I’d settle for someone that lets me make us both happy.

I want a friend to laugh with, share experiences, play, talk, live, and most importantly someone to fight with. I think that’s how you know when the real love is there. When you know that after a fight you will still be there together, that after teasing and mocking the other person will still come to you because you are first friends and secondly opposing debaters. I know it sounds romantic but it isn’t always like that.

My family is the one rock that I’ve always leaned on. They are there for me, they accept me, love me, and support my dreams. Somehow I can’t persuade myself that it’s selfish to want someone new to do all those things. I want a friend. Even if it’s a girl and there are no romantic strings attached to it, I want a friend.

I think I’m getting close to that with the friends I have now. Elizabeth never lets me push her away, no matter how I may try, and Jessy accepts me for exactly everything I am. I can tell her about anything, even if we haven’t talked for days or weeks or months we can just fall right back into talking like we’d never been apart. And Renee and Shannon support me and they never tell me that I can’t do things or that it’s impossible, they encourage me to try. Even if I fail, they help me realize my strengths and brace me up for the next challenge. And for some reason that I can’t begin to fathom. They love me and I love them.

So maybe I have friends. Maybe this is simply a blog of missing them. I never thought that growing up would require so much of my time (and money). I started this blog feeling so alone and now I’m happy to remember that I’m not. I love my friends. They’re all girls, but I think loving them will put me into the practice of being a better friend to whatever sentimental boy God decides to throw my way.

Too much alone time

I think that there are two types of people: people that need people, and the ones that don’t. I need people. As much as I can, I pretend to not need people. I pretend that I’m fine alone and sometimes I can even convince myself of it, but it’s not true. I need, I want, I fear people being in my life. I need someone to hold me up when things get hard. I want someone to be with me and love exactly everything I am. And I fear all those things that I need and want because they’re not permanent. People have legs and the ability to walk out of your life as easily as they fell into it.

Sometimes I feel like I’m sitting at the bottom of a well. It’s dry and narrow and dirty and there is only enough room for me to sit, alone. All of the friends and family I have are in the process of climbing back up the walls of the well. The people I feel closest to are near me, near the bottom. There are people I love that have one leg over the top of the wall. They shout down to me about how beautiful it is on the surface. How there is room for all of my friends and family to hold hands and sit together. How the sun shines and flowers bloom and life is good on the surface. I listen to them. I want to go to the surface and I want sun and sitting with people I love. Then I cry because I know that I will never leave my well. Because leaving would meaning climbing up those walls. I could cut my hand. I could fall. I could break my leg and it’d hurt. I’ve seen people get hurt so often that I can’t seem to move without those thoughts in my head.

Heather has had great loves. I don’t mean great people or loves that were sublimely perfect. I mean that she let herself love people and put herself out there. She trusted, she hoped for things, and I could see the passion in her eyes. And even when she got hurt, she got back up and tried again. She never quit just because of the chance that things might not be great. Her love was what was great. She uses her whole heart and I don’t know why I can’t.

But it’s more than love. I feel like I push people away. I know I do. I think I know what I’m trying to do. I’m pushing and pushing because I want someone to push back. I want someone to love me enough to be with me whether I tell them I need it or not. I just want someone to want to be with me. Someone that will fight me to keep me. I don’t want to be someone’s friend, someone’s girlfriend because I want it. I want to be wanted in the way that I want people. I need someone to be beside me when things get hard, to run their fingers through my hair, to whisper softly, to hug me, to stay even through the crying, the fat days, the crazy, the cheerfulness, my obsessions, the good days and the bad.

I feel like I’m standing and looking at the wall but I can’t lift my arm. I can’t grab it and climb. Everyone else figured out how to get out and I’m looking at the rocks around not knowing where to start. I want out but I need someone to reach their hand down. I need someone to help me out. But I can’t ask for help. All I can do is stand at the bottom and wait for someone to realize that I want up too. I want out.

The most beautiful song, NEW

This is so beautiful. Ignore the anime, just listen to the song.

I believe

Things I choose to believe:

Kindness is built through a lifetime, so when a person is kind to you it is like them giving you a gift.

Everyone is special and has goodness in them.

Everyone needs to be told they’re loved.

Everyone needs to look for their own goodness and especially other’s goodness.

It is better to give to someone that needs nothing, than not give when someone needs it most.

A person’s true feelings are the easiest thing in the world to see, if you’re looking.

Everyone wants friends, acceptance, and a place where they can be themselves.

Friendliness is a skill that you can improve with practice.

Every idea has some merit.

Never give up. Persistence is a most honorable virtue.

Try everything once.

Listening is the fastest way to heal someone.

Nothing is impossible.

Be grateful for what you have or you don’t deserve it.

Thank you is something that needs to be said. Often and for the little things too.

Everyone wants to be loved in ways that they can’t love themselves.

You can’t learn everything at the same time. Learning is a process of growing.

People pleasers are merely people that love others more than themselves.

It is our imperfections that make us different and beautiful. Wabi-sabi.

Anyone can find love. You have to want it and then recognize it when it stands before you.

Innocence can be maintained.

Math is a necessary evil.

A smile can make anyone beautiful.

More to follow...

So my advice for a good life is merely this: Love yourself, find people that make you happy and let yourself love them, practice kindness, and always always carry a calculator.

Thoughts on writing

I suddenly realized something today. I've never been able to finish a story but maybe that's because I haven't had my adventure yet. Maybe once i go to japan, everything will come together. once i've really had my own story, maybe then i'll be abe to work on others. it's wierd to wait because my mind is continually in a state of courageous exploration and adventure but maybe it's something i have to learn.

but then, maybe i haven't found the right story yet.

anyways, i'm feeling better. and my keyboard doesn't seem to be broken anymore.

ciao.

Funny

first-off, my keyboard isn'txactly working,o my fingers aren't but anways there will probably be a lot of typos in this. No, it's definately my keyboard.

i think it's funny how eveyone always says that sick people need rest. Rest is what's killing me. i can't believe i've spent he last tre days holed up in my room, coughing my lungs out, watching bad movies, semi-good and good trailers to movies.

i thought i'd share some of the funny ones.

coming out april 4







the next one i don'tknow when it will come out. bt hre it is.






bu that's all from the sickbed. goodnight.

Tattoo

Today i got a tattoo of one of the cats from Mirror Mask. It's really cute but i'll post a picturer later because i got it about an hour ago and it is kinda bloody at the moment. It's almost more painful now than it was when i got it. it feels like a really bad sunburn. in fact, the worst sunburn i've ever had in my life and i've had some bad ones.

but anyways i'm on break and my boss took FOREVER to finish my reccomendation letter for japan so now i have so much work to do and i can't do anything because the study abroad office is closed this week. i gave him the forms almost a month ago and he only gave them back to me today. i mean, how hard can it be to check a box? i didn't mention how much he was screwing me into the ground with his not doing it because i want a good report. but still! if it was me, i'd have done within a few days, a week tops.

well at least i am ready now. but the forms are due on the first so it's still aggravating.

anyways, tomorrow one of the new AUAP students will get a tattoo and i'm supposed to go and help him through it. it will hurt because it's his first one, but it shouldn't be too bad. He wanted a picture of jesus, and though there's nothing wrong with that i reminded him that tattoos are forever. i had him talk to his program advisor but he still wants a tattoo. at least jesus was too expensive so now he's getting music notes.

well that was my update for now. and i know that a lot of you probably are rolling your eyes at the fact that i have a tattoo, i know mom is, but don't worry. i know what i'm doing. i just wish it didn't hurt so much.

love you, bye