Jane Austin and love

I’ve come to a decision to tonight as to why I can’t seem to write about love. And it’s not because I’ve never been in love. My imagination, on it’s own, would be fueled enough by my own romantic notions. But lately, and after much watching of Jane Austin novels, I’ve come to realize that I’ve never had a friend.

And I’m sorry but family doesn’t count for this.

I have never had a friend that was dear to me. Never had someone there that I felt comfortable enough around to let my heart experience exactly all of the things that love requires on the resume. I realize now what I need most, the thing I’m truly lacking, is a friend. I don’t need a boyfriend or a romance because half of romances are all imaginings and fantasy anyways and boyfriends come after romance. What I want is a friend.

When I picture myself in five years, ten years, twenty years I don’t see wedding rings or his and hers towels. I see myself happy. That’s all I’m really planning for. I see laughter and off key singing and jokes that no one gets but me and one other person. I know from personal experience that I can make myself happy and I can even make other people happy on occasion but I haven’t had the luck to find someone that makes me happy. I think I’d settle for someone that lets me make us both happy.

I want a friend to laugh with, share experiences, play, talk, live, and most importantly someone to fight with. I think that’s how you know when the real love is there. When you know that after a fight you will still be there together, that after teasing and mocking the other person will still come to you because you are first friends and secondly opposing debaters. I know it sounds romantic but it isn’t always like that.

My family is the one rock that I’ve always leaned on. They are there for me, they accept me, love me, and support my dreams. Somehow I can’t persuade myself that it’s selfish to want someone new to do all those things. I want a friend. Even if it’s a girl and there are no romantic strings attached to it, I want a friend.

I think I’m getting close to that with the friends I have now. Elizabeth never lets me push her away, no matter how I may try, and Jessy accepts me for exactly everything I am. I can tell her about anything, even if we haven’t talked for days or weeks or months we can just fall right back into talking like we’d never been apart. And Renee and Shannon support me and they never tell me that I can’t do things or that it’s impossible, they encourage me to try. Even if I fail, they help me realize my strengths and brace me up for the next challenge. And for some reason that I can’t begin to fathom. They love me and I love them.

So maybe I have friends. Maybe this is simply a blog of missing them. I never thought that growing up would require so much of my time (and money). I started this blog feeling so alone and now I’m happy to remember that I’m not. I love my friends. They’re all girls, but I think loving them will put me into the practice of being a better friend to whatever sentimental boy God decides to throw my way.