LONG life update

So I’m sitting in my room, having gotten out of my 5 hr lecture class after only 1 hr. I am so lucky. And, a plus, today is my last school day for the week. So I guess I have time to update this.

First, I want everyone reading this to understand I’m just being honest. Please understand by reading this that I’m telling you the truth and respect it, don’t preach to me about how I’m living, because I’m doing my best. Ok?

Okay, so I guess there’s a lot to say this time.

I’m taking a survey of American literature class with a teacher I love. He’s so funny and makes me like learning. It’s a discussion and paper writing class so I think I’m doing okay. I was a little lax on writing the papers earlier this quarter because of me having been so sick. (I didn’t catch H1N1 but sick nonetheless) so I may have fallen a little behind but I’ve no doubts that I’ll pass, even if it’s not with the best GPA I’ve ever had. And I am trying to make up some of the papers. But lately it feels like I can’t concentrate on anything. That goes for my other classes too, not just this one. But this is my favorite so I might be doing better in this class than the others.

I’m also taking a Poetry workshop and Intro to Ethics classes. I was taking an education class but it was too hard so I withdrew in the beginning of the quarter. I honestly wish I could buckle down and focus on my studies but it feels like every time I try, something comes up or I get injured or sick. I feel like I haven’t been well one full day since I got here.

And I did balloon back up a bit when I first got here. But I think being broke is actually helping me. I’m doing the same thing I did in Japan, which is that if I don’t have money I don’t eat anything but the bare min. not an ideal diet but I’m back into my size 12’s. I hope that when I get a chance to go to the gym more regularly next quarter, things will be better. And I’ll be here working over Christmas break so I’ll have plenty of free time to work out and get my strength back up. I feel like I’ve lost so much of my muscle. And those of you that know me know how terrible a loss that is for me. I’ve always prided myself on being so strong.

But I found a friend that might teach me Tae Kwon Do so that would be so cool. The first question he asked me was “so do you mind being hit in the face by a boy?” I laughed so hard. Not because I like getting hit around but what kind of idiot would learn martial arts and think that they would never get hit? I’d expect to get hit. Plus there’s a part of me that really believes what they say in fight club. How much can you know about yourself if you’ve never been in a fight? I think I could take care of myself. But it’d be better to find that out when a friend is pummeling me, rather than on a dark street in the middle of the night by a person that wouldn’t care if I got hurt.

Sometimes I think it’s crazy how much I like violence. Not like murder or anything, just violence. Boxing, football, martial arts. It has always been a passion of mine, and maybe that’s because I really value being a strong person and I have anger issues. But I like Criminal Intent for the puzzle, and fighting is the same. There is always a way to win, no matter who you are, as long as you know the right technique. Besides, I think it’s healthy for a girl in this day and age to be able to defend herself. Actually, more than healthy almost like a requirement. After all the world isn’t safe.

So I’ve been all paranoid that my voice has never fully recovered since I was in the coma last year. But I think I’m starting to get a little good again. I got a standing ovation when I sang karaoke at the Eagle’s Pub a few weeks back. (it’s a bar within walking distance that has karaoke on weds, fri, and sat every week.) I ahven’t gone in like 3-4 weeks because I’ve got no money but I can’t wait until I get down to like a size 8 or so and sing in front of a crowded room, everyone will fall in love with me on the spot. Oh, speaking of which, I keep hearing this “your face is so beautiful, if you lost weight you’d be gorgeous” over and over. Sometimes I get angry at that but lately I’ve begun to think that the being skinny isn’t so far away. 12 to 8 is only like 2 dress sizes away from each other. I’m really almost there.

Oh!!! I won a dance contest! It was the international music night and my friends were everywhere around and I danced so great, everyone was praising me and asking me to teach them how to move like I do. And honestly, I feel like I discovered a passion that day in Japan when my friend convinced me to just ignore everyone and dance however I wanted to. Cause apparently however I want to is pretty good. Maybe I get it from grandma, but I feel like nothing bad can touch me when I’m dancing. I just get so into the music, it’s like another world for me. It’s like drinking, I can forget every thing. Just concentrate on the beat, the words, the melody around me. But I don’t have to be intoxicated to dance either.

And I’ve decided to give up drinking. I think I might be an alcoholic. I know that’s a horrible thing to say for someone my age but I took an online test and it said I was alcoholic. It had questions like:

Do you drink to intentionally change your mood?

Do you drink as a social lubricant?

Do you get drunk every time you drink?

How often do you drink?

And honestly if it’s not a problem right now for me to stop, as I haven’t drunken anything in about a month, I might as well stop now. Because if I continue, even if I’m not an alcoholic now, I know I’d be one someday. It’s just a problem I’d like to avoid. I mean, why willingly let yourself go down a road that will lead to problems, strife, and health issues? There’s no good reason. So I stopped and I’m staying stopped. It’s just better to be safe, I think.

And I’m learning Chinese and so my Japanese is kinda flailing. I think over Christmas break, I’m really gonna try and study my kanji and my Japanese grammar. I’d hate to lose what I worked so hard for.

Basically, I have so many plans to renovate myself that I’ll just call this stage in my life “in progress”. Hopefully soon I’ll reach a period of calm and a healthy balance of work and study and socializing and fun and everything else that I need to shove into that balance to keep me sane.

Life till the end

So i got up at 5am today went to work, then school, took two tests, came home and took a nap. and i woke up about 15mins, half and hr ago. it's 915 at night.

i don't really have homework tonight, i mean i have a lot i should be doing and i will do after this but something occured to me and it is that someday i will look back and regret not making more memories of my last few weeks in japan. so this is a tying up of a lot of different things. and this is how my life sits as of now.

i don't know how much i wiegh but i've started adding new holes in my belts to keep my pants up. i have "created" over half the pants i now wear by cutting them up, sewing them smaller/in shorts/ whatever. and only a few are even worth bringing back to america

i work maybe two to three days a week for about 20 an hr plus transportation but usually only for an hour a day. So really i'm making enough to pay for food, trains, and small emergencies but not enough to even support myself, so thank you mom.

my school is getting harder and in the middle of this semester i was doing really poorly. my teachers scolded me until i practically cried and they asked me what do i want by learning japanese? so i've been really trying and i've gotten 100's on most of my tests since then and really shown them that i want to pass. but it is rediculously hard. we learn maybe 15-20 kanji compounds in a day, their grammatical uses, and have a test on them the next day. so EVERYDAY i have a kanji test. and this morning i had a grammar test too which i think i did really well on, not to jinx it but i do think it was ok.

and in my level, we all had to write a play with dialogue, narators and settings and stuff like that and then we got into groups and picked te best one to perform in front of the class. my group picked mine. so we're going to be reading my totally silly play called the stupidest person in front of everyone but i can't get anyone to read with any kimochi. they are all reading like they just died of boredom. "what happened...oh my god..." and even these written and not spoken words have more emphasis than my group is using.

in my extracurricular japanese songs class, we're having a performance where i sing another solo. apparently they like-a my voice. so that's gonna be interesting cause i'm just getting over yet another cold.

i think it's funny that i like never really got sick in america except for like once a year and then i got betterr so fast but here i guess my body is still not used to these particular viruses and i don't have the right antibodies or something. i am looking forward to getting hom where i can completely understand the perscribed medcnes and i know how i'll react before i even take it.

and it'a bad but i am off the thyroid medicine, i figure i'll get it sorted in america because my life is so crazy right now. and i didn't lose the pills, i just haven't taken them for about a two week span. maybe a month.

and i got into a huge fight my my "boyfriend" about me eventually becoming muslim in which i said that i would read about it but i'm not going to make promises that are that big without thinking about them and deciding if that is really what i believe, which i'm not sure i do. okay so i don't really. but basically it got so heated and i yelled "I am not becoming a damn muslim!" in japanese of course and threw the ring he gave me at his head and left. since then i asked him how long he thinks we'll be together and he said forever and i've realized that i don't think so.

in fact he's one of the reasons that i can't wait to come home because i can't tell him that because we're fighting so much that i'm falling out of love with him and so i've just been kinda avoiding him and sticking to the phones. i haven't seen him in roughly a week but i do have to go back sometime to get the stuff i left at his house. i was supposed to go today but then i just didn't want to deal with it so i told him i had to work.

i kinda think that when i come back to america it will be so easy to just slip out of his life that it won't really hurt ither of us but he'll see that we're not so much meant to be. and i'll learn the error of saying yes to things just because i don't want to say no, not because i want to say yes.

and i have so many friends that i'm gonna miss so much and it's getting so that until i leave i will not have enough time to myself to even scratch my butt in privacy if i wanted to. everyone has ladged themselves into my schedule like rocks into my shoe. not to say it's annoying, because i am going to miss them so much but because if even one thing takes longer than i think, i lose out on something else. and everyone knows that i am not good at prioritizing people. i can't say well, i know you wanna hang out but i'm really trying to get this other person to be around cause i'll miss them more than you. i can't say that. it's just not me. and sometimes i wish i could.

for example, school ran really late one day so i missed hanging out with the most awesome friend, Kai san. and i absolutely love this boy, he's such a good friend and now i'm afraid i won't have time to meet him. not to mention that i am so busy i will have to stop sleeping in order to get all my packing done in time.

i just feel so burned out and i need a break. i need to be home with my mommy and twinny and just not be needed for at least a week. i'm glad people like me and i'm glad i am so popular but it is really killing me. i just want some time to be alone, time that isn't devoted to studying or getting the minimum requirement of sleep, or showering. i want time to sit around and watch a movie or stare aimlessly into space or just walk around, not to get somewhere but to look around.

and everyone keeps mentioning the fact that i'm leaving like i planned it to hurt them specifically. and i can't even count the number of people that have asked me not to go. finally i just started doing what mom told me to do in junior high, i say "Sorry, my mom says i have to go home. and my mom makes the rules." and leave it at that.

but the truth is right now if i had the option to stay or go home, i'd choose to go home. i guess no matter where i go, things always get too crazy for me after a while. apparently i'm too friendly, so one effect is i have too many people wanting my attention and time. i and too accomodating, so i do give up that time without a fight and usually end up spending money i don't have. and three i hate to hurt people, so i sometimes do things i don't want to do and let things get complicated in ways that a sane person would never allow.

but then i always leave and just expect the problems to work themselves out while i'm gone, which doesn't always work.


okay so that was my long long long super long about me post, i hope you all feel closer to me. if you don't, you will soon. 24th.

love you
me

You know you've been in japan too long when...

so i wasa reading this page with like a billion of these but i just copied the ones that apply to me. some arer so funny and i'll do my best to translate as many i can.

...you rush onto an escalator, and just stand there.
...you don't hesitate to put a $10 note into a vending machine.
...you start thinking can coffee tastes good.
...you see a gaijin get on the train and think "Wow, it's a gaijin!"
gaijin = foriegner
...you find yourself bowing while you talk on the phone.
...you don't think it unusual for a truck to play "It's a Small World" when backing up.
...you phone an English-speaking gaijin friend and somehow can't bring yourself to get to the point for the first 3 minutes of the conversation.
...you get blasted by a political speaker truck and think "sho ga nai.."
sho ga nai= nothing i can do about it
...you develop a liking for green tea flavored ice cream.
...you think the best part of TV are the commercials.
...you think wet umbrellas need condoms.
to catch the water when you go inside stores so the store people don't have to clean up after you
...you have mastered the art of simultaneous bowing and hand- shaking.
...when you think it's alright to stick your head into a stranger's apartment to see if anybody's home.
...you are only slightly puzzled by "Melty Kiss."
a type of candy
...you think the meaning of a red traffic light is: "Hurry up! 10 cars now in quick succession, and then we'll think about slowing down."
...you ask fellow foreigners the all-important question "How long have you been here?" in order to be able to properly categorize them.
...when looking out the window and think "Wow, so many trees!" instead of "Wow, so much concrete!"
...you think NHK is "the Japanese BBC".
...you think curry rice is food.
...when in the middle of nowhere, totally surrounded by rice fields and abundant nature, you aren't surprised to find a drink vending machine with no visible means of a power supply...?
...and when you think nothing of it when that lonely vending machine says 'thank you' after you buy a coke.
...you stand before a sign on a bridge and ponder the possible meanings of "Bridge Freezes Before Road."
....you only have 73 transparent, plastic umbrellas in your entrance because you have "donated" 27 to the JR and various taxi companies in the past few months.
...you can't have your picture taken without your fingers forming the peace sign.
...when you forget how to spell simple words like "wear"
...when you think one kind of rice tastes better than another kind.
...you get a "Nihongo ga joozu" and feel really insulted.
nihongo ga joozu = your japanese is so good
...when you think that coffee goes perfectly well with squid pizza.
...you can't read your kids the Three Little Pigs without giggling when you get the part about "Not by the hair of chinny chin chin."
chin chin = penis
...you fully understand the concept of "cuteness"
..."natsukashii" comes out of your mouth instead of "what you're saying makes me so nostalgic that I must look like one of those wide- eyed manga characters with a tear rolling out of my eye."
...you run for the Yamanote line pushing people left and right, jump on the train holding the doors open to let your bag follow you on. Because you know there will not be another one for at least a minute.
...you no longer pay any attention to what anyone does when you sit down beside them on a train.
...when you accompany your "no" by the famous waving hand-in- front-of-nose.
...when it all seems normal.
...when you write or phone home and say things like "In Japan we..."
...you find your self asking all your foreign acquaintances what their blood types are.
...you find yourself apologizing at least three times per conversation.
...you are speaking in English but all references to money come out in Japanese.
...when you stupidly wait for a kampai at a gaijin party
kanpai is the signal to start drinking
...lunch is yesterday's leftovers out of a Hello Kitty bento box.
bento box = lunch box
...when when you draw a sharp distinction between "English" and "English conversation."
...you use the "slasher hand" and continuous bowing to make your way through a crowd.
...you put eleven 10 yen coins in the vending machine before you notice it's sold out.
...it takes you three attempts to fill out a form in English correctly.



and mom, i love you. sorry i forgot your birthday. i'll make it up to you i swear.
love
me

A few things

A few things i am expecting when i return to the states, just so you know

The day i arrive

taco bell on the way home from the ariport

a blockbuster video newer than two years ago

mommy homemade lasagna or deep dish dominoes pizza for dinner

and the ability to crash right inside the front door, aka bed ready

and the luxury/privilage of being able to call my friends in japan and let them know i got home safe

day 2

go to walmart and buy pants that i haven't had to take in myself or belt up

and new shoes (cuz my shoes are all kawaii sou.)

again, sleeping ability. that's important.

and going to a libaray/barnes and noble

light off my nihon de katta hanabi in the street

Week 1

gym membership, (possibly including a new swimsuit and sneakers)

the luxury of walking around houston, cuz i don't think i want to get settled back into a sedentary lifestyle

big lots and/or international market, cause i think i'll be missing some stuff

my old american cell phone or a new one

month 1

I want to look for a job OR go about and visit babies and dad. either one is good because i know money is harsh.

and from the moment i step off the plane, i reserve the right to fall asleep everytime i'm in a vehicle, use the peace sign in every picture, and do karaoke whenever/wherever i can. it's a japan thing.

and i really want to find cheap calling cards because i'll miss my friends.

and the #1 biggest thing i will be looking forward to........NOT having to carry so much coin currency with me!

and now things i'm going to miss.

1. going to the convini and buying bento

2. speaking in my bad japan-glish, aka the ability to say Dude, i'm going to benkyou like there's no manana and be understood completely. or the ability to say, Oppa, chugule? and be understood.

3. my friends/teachers/classes

4. the beauty standard (guys here are born in silk shirts with perfectly styled hair)

5. trains and bikes

6. izakaya's and shibuya clubs

7. hanami- flower viewing

8. the festivals

9. the ability of speaking english and not being understood

10. commiting faux pas and getting away with it by saying oh, well, i'm a foriegner.

11. being able to leave my dorm anywhere from 11pm to 5am and have all sorts of fun things i could do instead of sleeping

12. that things don't close here, ever. everything is 24 hr pretty much.

13. the safety, it's a really safe country

14. phone email-ing in japanese

15. the food, rice especially

16. that the food over here is so low fat

17. signs in bad english, and shirts/hats in bad english

18. weird fashion

19. harajuku and shibuya and shinjuku and ikebukuro

20. intense smells from restaurants and people staing outside yelling 'Irasshyamase!'

21. being cute cause i'm differnt. Otaku bait.

22. teaching english

23. people saying, "you sound so cool when you speak in english." "Eigo kakkouii!"

24. 1 dollar onigiri

25. the phrase 'Sou ka?' because it has really no good translation in english

26. The phrase 'Mah ne....' for the same reason as above

27. everything else

Short video

short vid.

love you! miss you!

me

brief update

okay so this is just a brief update and i really don't know quite where to start. i feel like everything about me is changing so much that if i blinked i'd miss something too so i don't know what or how to describe what you haven't seen.


i guess i'll start with some pictures. and guess what, i didn't have to position myself to hide a double chin. for once. And i just took them here, so sorry no sights of japan. i keep forgetting my camera at home. but i'll try to remember to bring around more often.







I know, pretty right? but try living around a poulace who's average size is 0 and you'll understand why i still feel like i wiegh a billion pounds at size 12-14.



and i thought i had a job but the offer got recinded so now i'm looking for work anywhere. but the moment they hear my accent or see my face it's always the same "i'm sorry the position was just filled two seconds ago. bad luck. sorry." it's sucky but whats worse is knowing that the debtors sara's dealing with are soon going to be my problem too.



and my english is getting sucky. i don't know i'm gonna graduate with an english major when my english has gotten so bad. oh well, i'm sure it'll snap back.



and everyone over here is trying to convince me to stay, not to mention all of my korean friends keep telling me how much they adore me and then going off to jobs or colleges and never writing again. the affection train is kinda giving me whiplash.



not to mention that SOMEONE wha will remain unnamed but that i am furious with told me my REQUIRED non-make up able test was at 2:30 yesterday when really it was at 12:30. so i missed it. so again, i'm in jepardy of not passing, but this time not because i didn't study, i have been doing really well. but luck just doesn't want me to get to level 4 i guess. well, screw luck, i'm going.



and anyhow, i have hurry and go to the gym or all the good machines will be taken by the timme i get there. and yes, i have been going to the gym. i have gotten totally a lot stronger and i wasn't that much of a weakling before.



loves and hugs. miss you guys.
me

hey

if you have any internet suggestions, PLEASE tell me. i love you guys, not having internet it sucks.

love you. so much.

and mom, can you possibly take out of my bank of the west account and put at least 150 dollars in my debit account. i need to make a payment on my credit card and i need some money.

oh and i'm having a little dispute with my phone company and they think i made 1000 dollars worth of calls to america but everyone should know that's not true. and so i'm either gonna have to buy a prepaid phone this weekend or pay that really high bill or something. but utami san gave me the phone number of the city lawyer that helps english speakers. so i'll talk to him and then to a police box, because someone said that they might be able to help me somehow.

so i am kinda in a financial pickle and honestly i've been thinking about getting another loan, or like an extension on the one i have. mom, can you maybe call me before sunday night at 10pm my time at the latest?

i love you so much and i know what pressure you're under with the buying of a new house. i don't want to make trouble but i can't just run out of money. i'm living as little as i can but apparently breathing here is much more expensive than i could have ever imagined. plus, my credit card does have a limit.

anyhow, love you. that's it.

Hi people

i haven't gotten any internet still. but i bought a screwdriver and i am planning on opening up the back of my pc to make sure the ethernet port isn't damaged.

i'm writing more frequently too. i think my head is getting fuzzy lately. but i think it's because midterms are coming up next week and i have been studying all sorts of rigorously.

oh well, i'm sleepy and thanks to kim who has let me use her internet anytime i ask for it.

love you,
miss you,
me

long time no type

sorry i think i'm getting used to not having internet and i keep forgetting to check in on things. eventually i know it'll get sorted but at the moment its pretty inconvenient to check anything out.


and classes are going well, i'm losing weight, and i dyed my hair into like a sandy light brown. and i have bangs, they dont look as good as i'd like them too but soon i should grow more attatched, it's just that at the moment they're pretty short and i'm not liking the shortness.

anyhow i can't wait to see Elizabeth who comes in march and i'm still waiting on a working permit and i'm really having a good time. it's great.

i miss you all so much right now that i can't even accurately describe what it feels like, like missing a liver or something, where you dont notice it at first but gradually you realize that you're dying a little inside without it. i miss you guys like that. i love you.

always, me

missing you

guys, i know it's awfully expensive but i feel really cut off from you without internet and if you could call me i would jump from joy. and mom has my number. ok i love you.

and for zabe, my addy is
4-19-2 nishi-ikebukuro toshima-ku tokyo-to 171-0021


love you
me

Still no net

technically my dorm had internet installed yesterday but guess who has the one pc that will not access it. i dont know why because kim can get to my internet in my room and in hers but i cant get to it in either. i think maybe the plug jack or something in my pc got damaged but its hard to really convince myself of that because i used ethernet in the last dorm too and it worked just fine.

in this dorm however, it wont work at all.

so yeah, wait a little longer while i try to figure out this problem. who knows it could be fixed without me doing anything and before i even get home and then i`ll be great. but at the moment, i am not sure so i wanted to let you all know that it might be a while. might. might not.

and i`m finally healing up from my long bout with some kind of japanese flu. so i may try to write something more tomorrow.

So this is the update

i failed one test, passed the other of the two we`ve had so far. I managed to convince my teachers that i am studious and have even managed to convince myself that i really can be that way. i really try to study as often as possible and since i have no internet, i usually only have that to do. but recently i have been sick so my grades slipped a litte and hence the failed test but i am going to study really hard for the make up exam. this weekend i will try to. because as i was writing the above sentence i just remembered that i have a kanji test tomorrow too. and a intonation quiz.

i got the package mom and thanks for everything, sara the movie is awesome i know you knew before you sent it but just in case you didnt i totally love it.

i have not weighed myself or measured in about a month but my classmate told me that i look thinner in the recent week, i blame it on not being able to eat anything. but i dont know.

i think i have this mental block or something. i know i am a lot thinner than i was and i can see it in reflections and stuff but when i move or dress or what have you i do it as a fat person. i take paths through wider spaces and i dont try to squeeze around people even if now i could. its odd, and though i want to get even thinner, i think it`ll just get more odd.

anyways, that`s what i`ve been thinking. i gotta go. love you all.
me

Hey again

okay i will weekly check my emails and such but it is getting so hasslesome to check it more often than that that i just cant do it. sorry. and i should get my own internet in early february.

i hope. then i will zehi fill you all in asap. but i am sick and its just stopped raining so i`m kaeru-ing before it starts again. oh, uh, going home i mean. bye!

love you,
me

So short update

well, it sucks not having internet but partially i am glad that its so hasslesome to have internet cause i am studying harder. but not being in contact with people does kinda make me nuts. oh well, i will get internet eventually.

i have so much that i want to say but i cant think of where to begin. i guess from the head down, maybe?

so lately i`ve been ratting up my hair because thats what jo-san does and she made it look really pretty on me. and i like the compliments so i just keep doing it.

i`m running out of contacts and if you have the heart/money to send me some more mommy i would greatly appreciate it. thyroid Rx is low too.

i have apparently gotten so fluent at speaking (not fluent fluent-passable) at japanese that i now speak it first instead of english and remember how to write my letters is taking a backseat to remembering which kanji means what. i have a strong fear that when i return i wont be able to stop speaking japanese. it`s just something i know will continue. like my now hitorigoto thing i`ve got going where when i talk to myself i talk in japanese and when i curse or have a suprised moment i also break into japanese. and regularly use japanes nouns in english sentences.

but actually i gotta go, i just remembered that lena is waiting for me on the ikkai. jah, matta nah.

i will try to write again soon.

My new year

i don`t have much time to write and these japanese keyboards making typing in english difficult. i forgot to write something on my pc last night so i really have nothing to upload but i wanted to let you in on a few small details.

the important stuff:

i got into level three, it costs me 4dollars to wash clothes, i have internat only at school, no movies or tv, i cook my own food, and i absolutely 100% love my life exactly as it is.

and lately i`ve been thinking that maybe i dont want to leave. i mean i know with perfect clarity that i dont want to leave but i know i have to. i just havent figured out how to stay. but i know there is no way and i have to leave but despite all that has happened that was bad and because of all that has happened that was good i really just want to stay here forever. i always heard from random people that they could and did live in a place their whole lives and i always wondered how that was possible but i can see now that it really depends on the place. if i had to be confined to one place for the rest of my life i would want it to be tokyo. there is nothing about toyko that i dont like and i learn japanese really fast and its beautiful and nothing ever close either. and i`m not tired of it. and the people that have been in the same place with me for very long know the itch on the bottom of my soul that prompts me to move often. but i dont feel that here. i just feel at home. like this is exactly where i am meant to be, maybe forever.

i know that that is not what i said before i came and it is not what i promised to everyone. but its not like i want to miss the cutest most cuddly years of the babies lives or be away from my family for the rest of our lives and never meet again. its not about any of that. it just feels right here. leaving will be one of the hardest things i have ever done.

ok, that was a lot and i`m almost out of time. well, anyways, that`s what i`ve been thinking lately. but i love you all, i miss you. i`m having a great time.
me

I am SO Sorry!

Mom, you dont need to read this because i pretty much cut and pasted the things i emailed to you, but i wanted to put them here cause i felt bad if joanie or Elizabeth was worried.

hi everyone, i`m really sorry if i worried you. i really didnt mean to. but my new dorm has no internet and wont for a long time and this is the first day that the school pc lab is open and i wasnt able to find an internet cafe before now. i am so sorry.

i am so sorry that you were worried and i know that is scary enough for you to have me be in a foreign country, not to mention just dropping off in communication. but i was given no forewarning that id have no internet and when i did know it was too late. anyhow, there is a time limit for how much i can use the pc at a time. but i can write tomorrow too, after class.

i think i`ll just write something at home and put it on my usb and then it wont take me too long to write posts on here. but anyhow, i will fill you in on my life soon. i love you guys!!!!!!!

i love you. i`m fine, i bought a new phone with the same number and so if you ever get worried you can call me. anytime. i love you forever and beyond that.

me

New address

my NEW address


4-19-2 Nishi-Ikebukuro, Toshima-ku, Tokyo 171-0021

Blast from the Past

you ever think about those people that you knew in high school and middle school? those people that for no real reason you loved. you wanted to be around them forever? i was thinking about one of those people today and it occured to me to try and find him. i mean we have the all powerful internet here so why not?

and i thought it would make me sad to see what he's grown up into and that i'd miss him all the more. but i did find him. and he's still that person i knew, all those years ago. he hasn't grown up. he's still angry, confused, obscene, and a kid.

and then i thought about what it would be like for him, if he thought about finding me. i'm not the same person. i'm 22, living in tokyo with friends that speak all sorts of languages, about to graduate college, prettier than i was then and more of an adult. would he even recognize me?

would he look at my profile and realiize that my life continued after him, in a way that his didn't. he hasn't gone anywhere. but i have. look at how far i've come! the things i did then that were so stupid and selfish and i had a angry side myself. now i don't.

i am not the little child that clug to my mother's pant leg and bullied others when my heart hurt. i am not the young girl that cried out of lonliness but never tried to make friends. not that person that locked herself up in her room and hated others for not doing the same.

i'm a young woman that believes in putting others first, trying when it hurts, loving when it seems futile, hoping when others doubt, and doing my best not to lose courage in chasing my dreams. someone that sees beauty in the small things in life, even in myself and even when it's hard. someone that wants to be a good person. someone that wants to truly understand and ease the pain of those around her.

i guess i'm not a kid anymore. i don't quite know when or how it happened but i know that i wouldn't be this person if it wasn't for my wonderful family and friends that supported me and helped me at every turn. i love you. thanks for this.

me

Thanks Mom

Thanks mom, those dream interpretations were suprisingly insightful and accurate. and to say take care of yourself is something more along the lines of, ah-nah-tah no men-doh oh me-teh, or in japanese あなたの面倒を見て．anyhow, it's not really important. i love you, thanks.

so yesterday, since it was still a holiday, i decided to go out for dinner to this bento place nearby. because the dorm has no meals on holidays and i ran out of curry. not the point.

but when i got to the bento place it was closed and so i decided to just walk around for a bit because i still felt kinda wierd. then i decided to go to shibuya because i just couldn't bear going home to be alone again. instead, i wanted to be around people. so i went to shibuya and realized that i left my phone at home, so even if i wanted to i couldn't invite anyone out for dinner. and that i would inevitably be eating alone.

but as i was walking around i saw these two homeless men sleeping on a side street. and it wass cold and one of the men looked up at me and i felt bad. what right did i have to worry about petty things? so i asked him if he was hungry and then i bought them both some food. nothing much, but i know that at leasst someone helped them tonight. and i felt good after that. i felt really good, like for once i was the nice person that i try to make people believe i am.

and anyhow, when i did eventually go home i did study. for about the first time i can remember, i really put my best into studying. i'm not that good at it but i was surprised how much just trying made me feel better. like maybe i'm not a hopeless idiot afterall. and i think, if i really tried this next term, and studied everyday like we're supposed to. i think i could pass every exam. i know i can. i just have to keep trying.

but anyhow, i just wanted to let you know, since my last post was kinda mope-ish that i do feel better. and i think i'm gonna continue to feel better. but it's 6am, one hour until breakfast starts and it's been days since i ate breakfast. so i don't know if i want to sleep or stay awake a little longer.

and something else occured to me too. right now, i might be a little wierd and missing who i was and not sure of what i'm doing but soon just think of how amazing i'll be! a smaller, smarter, confident person with a job and wonderful japanese skills! i can't wait.

i love you, you know i do. Oyasuminasai! Goodnight!
me

Okay

Thanks for the comment in japanese mom. it was pretty accurately said, but don't worry. i always love myself and i hope you also have a happy new year mommy.

okay, so that being said, today i woke up from a nightmare with blood all over my lips and a gash in my arm. i think maybe i should start taking sleeping pills or something so i don't dream anymore. because to be honest, i'm getting creeped out by them. and what i said last time about the great dreams, i guess it works either way really great-really bad.

anyone who wants to try dream intepretation try out this one.
i was in a church on a sunday and everyone was talking and i was playing with children and one kid was talking to someone that i thought was their dad on the phone and playing a game like hangman. only when he left to do something, i took the phone and it was a killer. he said that the kid lost the game and then the chruch blew up. but not like movie blew up, not quickly and not from a distance being able to see smoke columns but like everything in the church exploded piece by piece in order, like a line of charges had been set instead of one massive one. so everyone in the church saw their fate coming but couldn't run.
that's when i woke up.
kinda freaky right? watching yourself explode isn't not recomended.

oh well, i'll clean my room and do some homework then maybe i'll watch fun with dick an jane or some other random comedy before bed.

LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!
me