LONG life update

So I’m sitting in my room, having gotten out of my 5 hr lecture class after only 1 hr. I am so lucky. And, a plus, today is my last school day for the week. So I guess I have time to update this.

First, I want everyone reading this to understand I’m just being honest. Please understand by reading this that I’m telling you the truth and respect it, don’t preach to me about how I’m living, because I’m doing my best. Ok?

Okay, so I guess there’s a lot to say this time.

I’m taking a survey of American literature class with a teacher I love. He’s so funny and makes me like learning. It’s a discussion and paper writing class so I think I’m doing okay. I was a little lax on writing the papers earlier this quarter because of me having been so sick. (I didn’t catch H1N1 but sick nonetheless) so I may have fallen a little behind but I’ve no doubts that I’ll pass, even if it’s not with the best GPA I’ve ever had. And I am trying to make up some of the papers. But lately it feels like I can’t concentrate on anything. That goes for my other classes too, not just this one. But this is my favorite so I might be doing better in this class than the others.

I’m also taking a Poetry workshop and Intro to Ethics classes. I was taking an education class but it was too hard so I withdrew in the beginning of the quarter. I honestly wish I could buckle down and focus on my studies but it feels like every time I try, something comes up or I get injured or sick. I feel like I haven’t been well one full day since I got here.

And I did balloon back up a bit when I first got here. But I think being broke is actually helping me. I’m doing the same thing I did in Japan, which is that if I don’t have money I don’t eat anything but the bare min. not an ideal diet but I’m back into my size 12’s. I hope that when I get a chance to go to the gym more regularly next quarter, things will be better. And I’ll be here working over Christmas break so I’ll have plenty of free time to work out and get my strength back up. I feel like I’ve lost so much of my muscle. And those of you that know me know how terrible a loss that is for me. I’ve always prided myself on being so strong.

But I found a friend that might teach me Tae Kwon Do so that would be so cool. The first question he asked me was “so do you mind being hit in the face by a boy?” I laughed so hard. Not because I like getting hit around but what kind of idiot would learn martial arts and think that they would never get hit? I’d expect to get hit. Plus there’s a part of me that really believes what they say in fight club. How much can you know about yourself if you’ve never been in a fight? I think I could take care of myself. But it’d be better to find that out when a friend is pummeling me, rather than on a dark street in the middle of the night by a person that wouldn’t care if I got hurt.

Sometimes I think it’s crazy how much I like violence. Not like murder or anything, just violence. Boxing, football, martial arts. It has always been a passion of mine, and maybe that’s because I really value being a strong person and I have anger issues. But I like Criminal Intent for the puzzle, and fighting is the same. There is always a way to win, no matter who you are, as long as you know the right technique. Besides, I think it’s healthy for a girl in this day and age to be able to defend herself. Actually, more than healthy almost like a requirement. After all the world isn’t safe.

So I’ve been all paranoid that my voice has never fully recovered since I was in the coma last year. But I think I’m starting to get a little good again. I got a standing ovation when I sang karaoke at the Eagle’s Pub a few weeks back. (it’s a bar within walking distance that has karaoke on weds, fri, and sat every week.) I ahven’t gone in like 3-4 weeks because I’ve got no money but I can’t wait until I get down to like a size 8 or so and sing in front of a crowded room, everyone will fall in love with me on the spot. Oh, speaking of which, I keep hearing this “your face is so beautiful, if you lost weight you’d be gorgeous” over and over. Sometimes I get angry at that but lately I’ve begun to think that the being skinny isn’t so far away. 12 to 8 is only like 2 dress sizes away from each other. I’m really almost there.

Oh!!! I won a dance contest! It was the international music night and my friends were everywhere around and I danced so great, everyone was praising me and asking me to teach them how to move like I do. And honestly, I feel like I discovered a passion that day in Japan when my friend convinced me to just ignore everyone and dance however I wanted to. Cause apparently however I want to is pretty good. Maybe I get it from grandma, but I feel like nothing bad can touch me when I’m dancing. I just get so into the music, it’s like another world for me. It’s like drinking, I can forget every thing. Just concentrate on the beat, the words, the melody around me. But I don’t have to be intoxicated to dance either.

And I’ve decided to give up drinking. I think I might be an alcoholic. I know that’s a horrible thing to say for someone my age but I took an online test and it said I was alcoholic. It had questions like:

Do you drink to intentionally change your mood?

Do you drink as a social lubricant?

Do you get drunk every time you drink?

How often do you drink?

And honestly if it’s not a problem right now for me to stop, as I haven’t drunken anything in about a month, I might as well stop now. Because if I continue, even if I’m not an alcoholic now, I know I’d be one someday. It’s just a problem I’d like to avoid. I mean, why willingly let yourself go down a road that will lead to problems, strife, and health issues? There’s no good reason. So I stopped and I’m staying stopped. It’s just better to be safe, I think.

And I’m learning Chinese and so my Japanese is kinda flailing. I think over Christmas break, I’m really gonna try and study my kanji and my Japanese grammar. I’d hate to lose what I worked so hard for.

Basically, I have so many plans to renovate myself that I’ll just call this stage in my life “in progress”. Hopefully soon I’ll reach a period of calm and a healthy balance of work and study and socializing and fun and everything else that I need to shove into that balance to keep me sane.