Life till the end

So i got up at 5am today went to work, then school, took two tests, came home and took a nap. and i woke up about 15mins, half and hr ago. it's 915 at night.

i don't really have homework tonight, i mean i have a lot i should be doing and i will do after this but something occured to me and it is that someday i will look back and regret not making more memories of my last few weeks in japan. so this is a tying up of a lot of different things. and this is how my life sits as of now.

i don't know how much i wiegh but i've started adding new holes in my belts to keep my pants up. i have "created" over half the pants i now wear by cutting them up, sewing them smaller/in shorts/ whatever. and only a few are even worth bringing back to america

i work maybe two to three days a week for about 20 an hr plus transportation but usually only for an hour a day. So really i'm making enough to pay for food, trains, and small emergencies but not enough to even support myself, so thank you mom.

my school is getting harder and in the middle of this semester i was doing really poorly. my teachers scolded me until i practically cried and they asked me what do i want by learning japanese? so i've been really trying and i've gotten 100's on most of my tests since then and really shown them that i want to pass. but it is rediculously hard. we learn maybe 15-20 kanji compounds in a day, their grammatical uses, and have a test on them the next day. so EVERYDAY i have a kanji test. and this morning i had a grammar test too which i think i did really well on, not to jinx it but i do think it was ok.

and in my level, we all had to write a play with dialogue, narators and settings and stuff like that and then we got into groups and picked te best one to perform in front of the class. my group picked mine. so we're going to be reading my totally silly play called the stupidest person in front of everyone but i can't get anyone to read with any kimochi. they are all reading like they just died of boredom. "what happened...oh my god..." and even these written and not spoken words have more emphasis than my group is using.

in my extracurricular japanese songs class, we're having a performance where i sing another solo. apparently they like-a my voice. so that's gonna be interesting cause i'm just getting over yet another cold.

i think it's funny that i like never really got sick in america except for like once a year and then i got betterr so fast but here i guess my body is still not used to these particular viruses and i don't have the right antibodies or something. i am looking forward to getting hom where i can completely understand the perscribed medcnes and i know how i'll react before i even take it.

and it'a bad but i am off the thyroid medicine, i figure i'll get it sorted in america because my life is so crazy right now. and i didn't lose the pills, i just haven't taken them for about a two week span. maybe a month.

and i got into a huge fight my my "boyfriend" about me eventually becoming muslim in which i said that i would read about it but i'm not going to make promises that are that big without thinking about them and deciding if that is really what i believe, which i'm not sure i do. okay so i don't really. but basically it got so heated and i yelled "I am not becoming a damn muslim!" in japanese of course and threw the ring he gave me at his head and left. since then i asked him how long he thinks we'll be together and he said forever and i've realized that i don't think so.

in fact he's one of the reasons that i can't wait to come home because i can't tell him that because we're fighting so much that i'm falling out of love with him and so i've just been kinda avoiding him and sticking to the phones. i haven't seen him in roughly a week but i do have to go back sometime to get the stuff i left at his house. i was supposed to go today but then i just didn't want to deal with it so i told him i had to work.

i kinda think that when i come back to america it will be so easy to just slip out of his life that it won't really hurt ither of us but he'll see that we're not so much meant to be. and i'll learn the error of saying yes to things just because i don't want to say no, not because i want to say yes.

and i have so many friends that i'm gonna miss so much and it's getting so that until i leave i will not have enough time to myself to even scratch my butt in privacy if i wanted to. everyone has ladged themselves into my schedule like rocks into my shoe. not to say it's annoying, because i am going to miss them so much but because if even one thing takes longer than i think, i lose out on something else. and everyone knows that i am not good at prioritizing people. i can't say well, i know you wanna hang out but i'm really trying to get this other person to be around cause i'll miss them more than you. i can't say that. it's just not me. and sometimes i wish i could.

for example, school ran really late one day so i missed hanging out with the most awesome friend, Kai san. and i absolutely love this boy, he's such a good friend and now i'm afraid i won't have time to meet him. not to mention that i am so busy i will have to stop sleeping in order to get all my packing done in time.

i just feel so burned out and i need a break. i need to be home with my mommy and twinny and just not be needed for at least a week. i'm glad people like me and i'm glad i am so popular but it is really killing me. i just want some time to be alone, time that isn't devoted to studying or getting the minimum requirement of sleep, or showering. i want time to sit around and watch a movie or stare aimlessly into space or just walk around, not to get somewhere but to look around.

and everyone keeps mentioning the fact that i'm leaving like i planned it to hurt them specifically. and i can't even count the number of people that have asked me not to go. finally i just started doing what mom told me to do in junior high, i say "Sorry, my mom says i have to go home. and my mom makes the rules." and leave it at that.

but the truth is right now if i had the option to stay or go home, i'd choose to go home. i guess no matter where i go, things always get too crazy for me after a while. apparently i'm too friendly, so one effect is i have too many people wanting my attention and time. i and too accomodating, so i do give up that time without a fight and usually end up spending money i don't have. and three i hate to hurt people, so i sometimes do things i don't want to do and let things get complicated in ways that a sane person would never allow.

but then i always leave and just expect the problems to work themselves out while i'm gone, which doesn't always work.


okay so that was my long long long super long about me post, i hope you all feel closer to me. if you don't, you will soon. 24th.

love you
me