My ramblings

Ok so soon i'm leaving to spend new years with my american friends. but i was just thinking about soemthing and i didn't really want to share it but i feel like maybe i'll feel better if i get some feedback on it.

so here goes.

lately i've been watching every Japanese TV show and movie i could get my hands on. staying up seriously late everyday and then sleeping for like 12 hours. just to wake up and do it again.
Now that's not actually terrible terrible because when i do eventually wake up, i 80% of the time have somewhere to go and be around people, or in the city and not holed up like a hermit.

it's just that, well, lately my dreams seem to be taking over. it's like i'll wake up and it will be less real than my dreams. or that i'll go out into the city and be around all of these japanese people and feel isolated and like i'm dreaming at those times too. but i'm not. and when i'm asleep it's so much better than reality.

i've been trying to control myself but it feels like all i want to do is dream, not sleep just dream, all the time. i keep losing focus during normal activities too and wishing i was home, in my dreams. but i don't understand why i feel like this. i'm in japan, what could be better than being in japan? and i love it here! but part of me just wants to lock the door, turn off the lights, and dream one more time. if only for a few more minutes.

i feel a little lost right now. i just like who i am in my dreams so much more than who i am in real life. and i'm not like vastly different either. it's just, nevermind. i don't know what i'm saying.

maybe it's lonliness. maybe it's the Japanese Dramas. Maybe it's japanese food, or the holidays, or having no money, and being rejected, or maybe it's just new years and i don't have my family.

i haven't written anything in a while. i don't know if i even want to be an author still. i don't know what i want to do with the rest of my life, where i want to be, what kind of job i'd like, or even what i want to learn.

because it's wierd to be so far from home. i feel like i've changed so much since coming here and i kinda miss who i was. i like who i am but part of me still wants to go back and start this japan thing over again, like maybe i could do it better. or soemthing. there's things i've done here that i'm not proud of and other things that if i never did them, i don't think i'd ever be complete as a person.

maybe none of this will make sense to you. Maybe it will, whatever. i just woke up today and missed you more, missed home, and realized that i'm really really far away.

i love you, happy new years.
me