so i lied

okay, i haven't sent the stuff yet but i will. this weekend. i swear!
because if i keep anymore of it here, i won't have room to sleep in my room.

anyhow i've been really busy the last few days and today. so gotta go but i do love you.

you should know that by now.

i felt poetic

For Zabe

I missed you today
Not because I couldn’t see you
Not because I wanted to
But I missed you
In the way that astronomers miss the stars
Missing in the way that takes their very breath
Because they want to be there
Want to be a star
But they have two left feet and can’t glow

I missed you today
In the way that veterans miss WWII
Because they were vital then
And the world changed from what they did
But the war is gone and social security doesn’t feed your dreams

I missed you today,
In the way that hairstylists miss the fifties
Because things were simpler then, they made sense
And the world was united with hairspray
But cosmetology’s become a refined skill and I don’t have the talent

I missed you today,
Like a hunter misses his prey
Because you scampered ahead of me
But I am lost without you to follow

And miss you now,
Like a lonely girl misses her best friend
Because the world is changing
But the only person to make me grow was you

I love you.

okay that was the really good one, i think. but i mean this one just as much. so i hope you believe me when you read it.

For the mommies (Con Queso, he-do, and Odie)

Sometimes I think you’re blind
And stupid
Because sometimes when I look at you,
You shine
There’s a light in your eyes
And you’re warm and love squishes out of you
Like water from a sponge
And I’m in awe of this beautiful radiant woman
And how I could possibly be related
And feel so blessed and surpassed at the same time

So I’m sure you must be stupid,
Because there’s not a piece of you that’s not beautiful to me
There’s not one moment, not a breath,
When I see the person you see in the mirror
How can a face so vibrant worry about wrinkles?
How can a smile so intoxicating worry about her teeth?
How can a heart so pure fret over what she eats?

I’d like to call you stupid once more
But from the moment I pictured you in my mind
I’ve known it’s not true.
So I’ll settle on blind.

Haircut!

i got a hair cut, it's really cute but also short. it's hard to tell in the pictures because my hair is so dark but tell me what you think.

but i feel fine now, no sicky-sickness and i bought some new clothes (shirts in men's sizes, everything is size -4, you know, so small the people wearing them are giving cloth back to the makers)



and mom, i don't mean to take you for granted. or make you feel like you're not doing anything to help me. you've done so much already. You're amazing.

and EVERYONE!!! FYI: i am going to mail out the packages on monday morning! Sara's stuff will be in the same box as joanie and the babies. Elizabeth, i need your address. so comment it here or email it to me.

and Zabe hun, i'm so sorry i'm not there to give you a hug. you know i would blow off classes and sit at the foot of your purple bed and listen to you if i could. we'd eat pizza and drink bitch beer and whine about how hard it is to be in college and still have stupid boys to deal with. but i really do talk about you all the time and think about you when i'm silent. you're my best best. sorry for making this hard on you.

Ok, well dinner and homework calls, so g'night!
LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

always,
me

Ps. Zabe, can you tell jessy to tell the girls that i'm gonna mail their stuff soon, i've just had no time to go shopping for them yet. But everything i see up here reminds me of you, so i think i may have gone overboard. i can't wait till you get them.

Karma's a female dog and i'm her bitch

pardon the language, it's been one of those days.

just a note mom. your comments said that [you will be mailed in the box tomorrow] and [take care of one's self] the latter is less ridiculous i guess and i got the point but it made me laugh.
anyhow, i love you. i'm trying to do what's right but for some reason it feels like i keep getting punished. like yesterday with monetary stuff and today i felt really sick and i almost hurled right in my classroom. but i got out and i went and laid down in the sick room.

but i felt like i got punished because after that i didn't go to any of my classes. how did i get punished? i lost my 75 dollar train pass. oh yeah, things are going good. oh, did i mention that i borrowed someone's umbrella then left that on a train too?

i don't know if it's a cold or the stars but something is conspiring against me.
THEY just don't want me to have a good week, i guess. or something.

all i had wanted was enough time to do everything, now i have more to do, less will to do it, and the same scant amount of time and money.

but don't worry, i always come out on top. i can do this too and be stronger for it. that's what i'm choosing to believe. and it's true, someone will find my umbrella, my stuff, and my train pass and they will turn them in because they are better people than me. and i will turn it in, the next time i find anything. it's just a lesson i had to learn the hard way.

and come next wednesday, i'll be in a great mood. if there's one annoying thing(i know there's more than one so shut up) about me, it's that i am the perkiest optimist alive. that i know of. and speaking of which, i did get to have a nap today, so that was nice. and the teachers were all sweet and concerned for me, i had previously bought my personal train pass (a chargable card not the ticket pass that the school gave me, and the school pass lets me go anywhere for free for a month, my card runs out fast.) but i bought my personal one so i wasn't stuck in the station or anything.

there's always an upside i guess. remind of that later.

The little things and that Karma chick

This is the strange series of events that happened to me today. It'll make sense in the end, or not, whichever.

First i found 5000Yen on the sidewalk. i tried to do the right thing and i asked the shopkeepers in anyone had lost money so i could return it. no one had and the shop keep told me to keep it. So i was in a great mood and then i got to school and talked to mr tanaka and he told me to go to the police box and turn it in and if no one claims it then in six months, i'd get it. and i didn't. I mean c'mon, really, i'm a nice person but i'm not that nice.

so classes were average, meaning i did really weell in the morning and worse in the afternoon. But some of my classmates noticed that i was out of spirits yesterday and asked me if i was okay. and one guy told me i looked pretty. i didn't know if he was joking or what so i just said thank you and returned the compliment. I really wish i knew how to say that if you keep changing your hair color so often, your hair will fall out. he needs to hear it. i swear, everyday a new color. but he does wear the wierd colors well, i guess. a very handsome albeit arrogant korean boy named -----. i don't remember his name.

anyhow, after classes, my backpack strap broke and then i missed being able to walk home with my friends and had to walk home in the rain, oh did i mention that i lost my umbrella on a train along with the stuff i'd bought with the 5000yen. so yeah, that went fast.

totalled out i probably lost about exactly 5000yen (my umbrealla and backpack included) so i'm not sure if i was predestined to lose my stuff and break my bag and god was covering for me or if it's karma for not turning in the money.

but i ate a cake and had the most delicious dinner and am about to open my bag of pizza flavored chips while i do my homework and watch stardust. and for some reason, it might be that my spirit is coming back or something, but i am still so content.

i feel at peace and loved, you should know who's hug i'm wearing.

jah, oyasuminasai! Anatatachi wo aishiteiruyo!
Well, g'night! Love you guys!

I danced in the train station today

yes, it's true.

getting through shinjuku station is always more of a dance than a walk because hundreds of people are filing through it at the same time as you. you have to dart and weave and spin and stop randomly. Being able to shake your hips is a blessing and i was listening to my mp3 player as i plowed my way through the crowd and suddenly i started laughing.

i was moving and stepping in time to the song i was listening to and though no one could tell, i was dancing.

and something occured to me today. i've been letting little things upset me, even today when my tmj acted up and i got a massive headache, i let it get to me. and the only remedy is to be the object of someone's attention. because i am so much a people pleaser that i will ignore the pain so they think i'm enjoying talking to them and i do it to the extent that even i forget that i'm in pain at all, until a lull comes along.

so the little thing that upset me on monday was the fact that i got a 60% on my first kanji test. the LOWEST score in my class and that was the first day i started feeling sick. today i have accepted the fact that i am getting a cold. oh well, life goes on.

and this weekend, i'm trying to find a way out of a promise i made to go and visit my friend's school festival on saturday. it's not that i don't want to go but i told her i would BEFORE i knew how much the bullet train tickets cost. and now i think she expects me to stay at a hotel, i just can't afford it. and roxana and chloe are going to los cabos (the coolest little mexican-japanese cantina) on friday and suzanne is having a welcome party from her homestay family on sunday and i want to meet them and hang with her because we're both so busy we never get the time.

but, if i don't go i know my friend will be hurt because i promised her that i would go and i'll feel bad for hurting her and i won't get another chance to see her for like a month and a half. So i really don't know what to do. and still, no one has told me how to get there, they only told me about how much it will cost.

and to be completely honest, i miss her and i do want to see her but i wish there was a way i could go for a day, or half a day or next weekend but every alternative falls through.

anyhow, it's like 8:15 pm here but i feel like i'm sick so i'm going to bed now and i'll try to get up early to finish my homework and study for the test. Oh, did i mention i had another kanji test today that i probably bombed? and tomorrow in a chapter test and grammer points count so yay. that's all i have to say, yay. and can someone send me a new brain? mine's running slow, i think the software needs some updating, maybe a kanji/japanese grammer/dictionary program?

anyhow, goodnight. love you, you know i do.
me

Just a note

Yes mom i got the packages, sorry i didn't say so before. i forgot. but i got them within about seven days. and thank you!

and this is to everyone, just a note to let you know.

I took you with me when i left, kept all those last hugs for rainy days, and saved the feel of your smiles. I took them all out on the plane and admired them, showed them around my new dorm, and had them meet my friends. I wear them sometimes when i need them and hold them in my heart every time else.

I wear sara's smile when i'm happy and laughing, her hug when no one understands me, and Elizabeth's smile when i feel basically amazing. I wear mom's hug at night when i can't sleep because home seems so far away. I wear heather's hug to remind myself that i am beautiful. Joanie's hug i save for moments that i feel at peace and loved. I wear grandma's hug when i need to be wrapped up in world that's beautiful. I wear the babies hugs when i'm lonely and their smiles when i'm curious. I'm saving dad's hug for when i need to feel safe, grandpa's hug for when i need a comforting friend, and Elizabeth's hug for when some boy breaks my heart.

There are so many last laughs, hugs, kisses, smiles, touching soft baby heads, watching you think, and hearing your voice. each moment i keep with me because i know i need them. I couldn't go if i didn't have you, and wouldn't if i couldn't take you with me.

i know it seems hard, because you are more than your smiles and hugs and voice. But for now, it's what i have and i'm doing my best. but if i didn't leave enough of me behind, i'm sorry. I would give all the money in the world to be in more than one place at one time. and i know it may not make you miss me less, or make me miss you less, but i am happy.

It's more than i dreamed it would be. More like a home and less like New york. There's country-side and trees and huge birds everywhere. And beautiful people, and from the moment i came here, i have had the strangest sense of belonging. Like i'm meant to be here.

maybe not forever, maybe not even for too long, but i think right now i am where i need to be. Even if it means that i must endure the painful pieces of my heart churn from missing you. all of you. You know i love you, i know you know. so if you need a hug, call out to the wind, and one will find you again. If you need a hand, to help you along, close your eyes and take mine.

I'm here for you, always. It doesn't matter where i am and you are, i am there.
Please remember that.