I’ve come to a decision to tonight as to why I can’t seem to write about love. And it’s not because I’ve never been in love. My imagination, on it’s own, would be fueled enough by my own romantic notions. But lately, and after much watching of Jane Austin novels, I’ve come to realize that I’ve never had a friend.
And I’m sorry but family doesn’t count for this.
I have never had a friend that was dear to me. Never had someone there that I felt comfortable enough around to let my heart experience exactly all of the things that love requires on the resume. I realize now what I need most, the thing I’m truly lacking, is a friend. I don’t need a boyfriend or a romance because half of romances are all imaginings and fantasy anyways and boyfriends come after romance. What I want is a friend.
When I picture myself in five years, ten years, twenty years I don’t see wedding rings or his and hers towels. I see myself happy. That’s all I’m really planning for. I see laughter and off key singing and jokes that no one gets but me and one other person. I know from personal experience that I can make myself happy and I can even make other people happy on occasion but I haven’t had the luck to find someone that makes me happy. I think I’d settle for someone that lets me make us both happy.
I want a friend to laugh with, share experiences, play, talk, live, and most importantly someone to fight with. I think that’s how you know when the real love is there. When you know that after a fight you will still be there together, that after teasing and mocking the other person will still come to you because you are first friends and secondly opposing debaters. I know it sounds romantic but it isn’t always like that.
My family is the one rock that I’ve always leaned on. They are there for me, they accept me, love me, and support my dreams. Somehow I can’t persuade myself that it’s selfish to want someone new to do all those things. I want a friend. Even if it’s a girl and there are no romantic strings attached to it, I want a friend.
I think I’m getting close to that with the friends I have now. Elizabeth never lets me push her away, no matter how I may try, and Jessy accepts me for exactly everything I am. I can tell her about anything, even if we haven’t talked for days or weeks or months we can just fall right back into talking like we’d never been apart. And Renee and Shannon support me and they never tell me that I can’t do things or that it’s impossible, they encourage me to try. Even if I fail, they help me realize my strengths and brace me up for the next challenge. And for some reason that I can’t begin to fathom. They love me and I love them.
So maybe I have friends. Maybe this is simply a blog of missing them. I never thought that growing up would require so much of my time (and money). I started this blog feeling so alone and now I’m happy to remember that I’m not. I love my friends. They’re all girls, but I think loving them will put me into the practice of being a better friend to whatever sentimental boy God decides to throw my way.
5/6/08
4/24/08
Too much alone time
I think that there are two types of people: people that need people, and the ones that don’t. I need people. As much as I can, I pretend to not need people. I pretend that I’m fine alone and sometimes I can even convince myself of it, but it’s not true. I need, I want, I fear people being in my life. I need someone to hold me up when things get hard. I want someone to be with me and love exactly everything I am. And I fear all those things that I need and want because they’re not permanent. People have legs and the ability to walk out of your life as easily as they fell into it.
Sometimes I feel like I’m sitting at the bottom of a well. It’s dry and narrow and dirty and there is only enough room for me to sit, alone. All of the friends and family I have are in the process of climbing back up the walls of the well. The people I feel closest to are near me, near the bottom. There are people I love that have one leg over the top of the wall. They shout down to me about how beautiful it is on the surface. How there is room for all of my friends and family to hold hands and sit together. How the sun shines and flowers bloom and life is good on the surface. I listen to them. I want to go to the surface and I want sun and sitting with people I love. Then I cry because I know that I will never leave my well. Because leaving would meaning climbing up those walls. I could cut my hand. I could fall. I could break my leg and it’d hurt. I’ve seen people get hurt so often that I can’t seem to move without those thoughts in my head.
Heather has had great loves. I don’t mean great people or loves that were sublimely perfect. I mean that she let herself love people and put herself out there. She trusted, she hoped for things, and I could see the passion in her eyes. And even when she got hurt, she got back up and tried again. She never quit just because of the chance that things might not be great. Her love was what was great. She uses her whole heart and I don’t know why I can’t.
But it’s more than love. I feel like I push people away. I know I do. I think I know what I’m trying to do. I’m pushing and pushing because I want someone to push back. I want someone to love me enough to be with me whether I tell them I need it or not. I just want someone to want to be with me. Someone that will fight me to keep me. I don’t want to be someone’s friend, someone’s girlfriend because I want it. I want to be wanted in the way that I want people. I need someone to be beside me when things get hard, to run their fingers through my hair, to whisper softly, to hug me, to stay even through the crying, the fat days, the crazy, the cheerfulness, my obsessions, the good days and the bad.
I feel like I’m standing and looking at the wall but I can’t lift my arm. I can’t grab it and climb. Everyone else figured out how to get out and I’m looking at the rocks around not knowing where to start. I want out but I need someone to reach their hand down. I need someone to help me out. But I can’t ask for help. All I can do is stand at the bottom and wait for someone to realize that I want up too. I want out.
Sometimes I feel like I’m sitting at the bottom of a well. It’s dry and narrow and dirty and there is only enough room for me to sit, alone. All of the friends and family I have are in the process of climbing back up the walls of the well. The people I feel closest to are near me, near the bottom. There are people I love that have one leg over the top of the wall. They shout down to me about how beautiful it is on the surface. How there is room for all of my friends and family to hold hands and sit together. How the sun shines and flowers bloom and life is good on the surface. I listen to them. I want to go to the surface and I want sun and sitting with people I love. Then I cry because I know that I will never leave my well. Because leaving would meaning climbing up those walls. I could cut my hand. I could fall. I could break my leg and it’d hurt. I’ve seen people get hurt so often that I can’t seem to move without those thoughts in my head.
Heather has had great loves. I don’t mean great people or loves that were sublimely perfect. I mean that she let herself love people and put herself out there. She trusted, she hoped for things, and I could see the passion in her eyes. And even when she got hurt, she got back up and tried again. She never quit just because of the chance that things might not be great. Her love was what was great. She uses her whole heart and I don’t know why I can’t.
But it’s more than love. I feel like I push people away. I know I do. I think I know what I’m trying to do. I’m pushing and pushing because I want someone to push back. I want someone to love me enough to be with me whether I tell them I need it or not. I just want someone to want to be with me. Someone that will fight me to keep me. I don’t want to be someone’s friend, someone’s girlfriend because I want it. I want to be wanted in the way that I want people. I need someone to be beside me when things get hard, to run their fingers through my hair, to whisper softly, to hug me, to stay even through the crying, the fat days, the crazy, the cheerfulness, my obsessions, the good days and the bad.
I feel like I’m standing and looking at the wall but I can’t lift my arm. I can’t grab it and climb. Everyone else figured out how to get out and I’m looking at the rocks around not knowing where to start. I want out but I need someone to reach their hand down. I need someone to help me out. But I can’t ask for help. All I can do is stand at the bottom and wait for someone to realize that I want up too. I want out.
4/11/08
4/7/08
I believe
Things I choose to believe:
Kindness is built through a lifetime, so when a person is kind to you it is like them giving you a gift.
Everyone is special and has goodness in them.
Everyone needs to be told they’re loved.
Everyone needs to look for their own goodness and especially other’s goodness.
It is better to give to someone that needs nothing, than not give when someone needs it most.
A person’s true feelings are the easiest thing in the world to see, if you’re looking.
Everyone wants friends, acceptance, and a place where they can be themselves.
Friendliness is a skill that you can improve with practice.
Every idea has some merit.
Never give up. Persistence is a most honorable virtue.
Try everything once.
Listening is the fastest way to heal someone.
Nothing is impossible.
Be grateful for what you have or you don’t deserve it.
Thank you is something that needs to be said. Often and for the little things too.
Everyone wants to be loved in ways that they can’t love themselves.
You can’t learn everything at the same time. Learning is a process of growing.
People pleasers are merely people that love others more than themselves.
It is our imperfections that make us different and beautiful. Wabi-sabi.
Anyone can find love. You have to want it and then recognize it when it stands before you.
Innocence can be maintained.
Math is a necessary evil.
A smile can make anyone beautiful.
More to follow...
So my advice for a good life is merely this: Love yourself, find people that make you happy and let yourself love them, practice kindness, and always always carry a calculator.
Kindness is built through a lifetime, so when a person is kind to you it is like them giving you a gift.
Everyone is special and has goodness in them.
Everyone needs to be told they’re loved.
Everyone needs to look for their own goodness and especially other’s goodness.
It is better to give to someone that needs nothing, than not give when someone needs it most.
A person’s true feelings are the easiest thing in the world to see, if you’re looking.
Everyone wants friends, acceptance, and a place where they can be themselves.
Friendliness is a skill that you can improve with practice.
Every idea has some merit.
Never give up. Persistence is a most honorable virtue.
Try everything once.
Listening is the fastest way to heal someone.
Nothing is impossible.
Be grateful for what you have or you don’t deserve it.
Thank you is something that needs to be said. Often and for the little things too.
Everyone wants to be loved in ways that they can’t love themselves.
You can’t learn everything at the same time. Learning is a process of growing.
People pleasers are merely people that love others more than themselves.
It is our imperfections that make us different and beautiful. Wabi-sabi.
Anyone can find love. You have to want it and then recognize it when it stands before you.
Innocence can be maintained.
Math is a necessary evil.
A smile can make anyone beautiful.
More to follow...
So my advice for a good life is merely this: Love yourself, find people that make you happy and let yourself love them, practice kindness, and always always carry a calculator.
4/6/08
Thoughts on writing
I suddenly realized something today. I've never been able to finish a story but maybe that's because I haven't had my adventure yet. Maybe once i go to japan, everything will come together. once i've really had my own story, maybe then i'll be abe to work on others. it's wierd to wait because my mind is continually in a state of courageous exploration and adventure but maybe it's something i have to learn.
but then, maybe i haven't found the right story yet.
anyways, i'm feeling better. and my keyboard doesn't seem to be broken anymore.
ciao.
but then, maybe i haven't found the right story yet.
anyways, i'm feeling better. and my keyboard doesn't seem to be broken anymore.
ciao.
3/31/08
Funny
first-off, my keyboard isn'txactly working,o my fingers aren't but anways there will probably be a lot of typos in this. No, it's definately my keyboard.
i think it's funny how eveyone always says that sick people need rest. Rest is what's killing me. i can't believe i've spent he last tre days holed up in my room, coughing my lungs out, watching bad movies, semi-good and good trailers to movies.
i thought i'd share some of the funny ones.
coming out april 4
the next one i don'tknow when it will come out. bt hre it is.
bu that's all from the sickbed. goodnight.
i think it's funny how eveyone always says that sick people need rest. Rest is what's killing me. i can't believe i've spent he last tre days holed up in my room, coughing my lungs out, watching bad movies, semi-good and good trailers to movies.
i thought i'd share some of the funny ones.
coming out april 4
the next one i don'tknow when it will come out. bt hre it is.
bu that's all from the sickbed. goodnight.
3/25/08
Tattoo
Today i got a tattoo of one of the cats from Mirror Mask. It's really cute but i'll post a picturer later because i got it about an hour ago and it is kinda bloody at the moment. It's almost more painful now than it was when i got it. it feels like a really bad sunburn. in fact, the worst sunburn i've ever had in my life and i've had some bad ones.
but anyways i'm on break and my boss took FOREVER to finish my reccomendation letter for japan so now i have so much work to do and i can't do anything because the study abroad office is closed this week. i gave him the forms almost a month ago and he only gave them back to me today. i mean, how hard can it be to check a box? i didn't mention how much he was screwing me into the ground with his not doing it because i want a good report. but still! if it was me, i'd have done within a few days, a week tops.
well at least i am ready now. but the forms are due on the first so it's still aggravating.
anyways, tomorrow one of the new AUAP students will get a tattoo and i'm supposed to go and help him through it. it will hurt because it's his first one, but it shouldn't be too bad. He wanted a picture of jesus, and though there's nothing wrong with that i reminded him that tattoos are forever. i had him talk to his program advisor but he still wants a tattoo. at least jesus was too expensive so now he's getting music notes.
well that was my update for now. and i know that a lot of you probably are rolling your eyes at the fact that i have a tattoo, i know mom is, but don't worry. i know what i'm doing. i just wish it didn't hurt so much.
love you, bye
but anyways i'm on break and my boss took FOREVER to finish my reccomendation letter for japan so now i have so much work to do and i can't do anything because the study abroad office is closed this week. i gave him the forms almost a month ago and he only gave them back to me today. i mean, how hard can it be to check a box? i didn't mention how much he was screwing me into the ground with his not doing it because i want a good report. but still! if it was me, i'd have done within a few days, a week tops.
well at least i am ready now. but the forms are due on the first so it's still aggravating.
anyways, tomorrow one of the new AUAP students will get a tattoo and i'm supposed to go and help him through it. it will hurt because it's his first one, but it shouldn't be too bad. He wanted a picture of jesus, and though there's nothing wrong with that i reminded him that tattoos are forever. i had him talk to his program advisor but he still wants a tattoo. at least jesus was too expensive so now he's getting music notes.
well that was my update for now. and i know that a lot of you probably are rolling your eyes at the fact that i have a tattoo, i know mom is, but don't worry. i know what i'm doing. i just wish it didn't hurt so much.
love you, bye
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
